


Just Answer Me One Question

by mckinlily



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-18
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-05 01:08:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mckinlily/pseuds/mckinlily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an attempt to make patrolling with the Head Boy bearable, Lily makes a deal with James Potter: she will attempt to carry a conversation, and in return, he is not allowed to talk about either himself or Quidditch. She thought she had him shut up for sure -- but then the entire situation backfires.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Agreement

At first, Lily thought Dumbledore had been replaced by some twisted, sadist version of himself.

            “I would like the two of you,” he was saying, “to ensure that the prefects are doing their duties, properly. In order to facilitate this, I ask you to patrol the hallways one night every week as part as your Head duties.”

            “What if it conflicts with Quidditch?” interrupted Lily’s partner. James Potter. He was leaning back in his chair, his long legs sprawled out in front of him, looking as comfortable, here, in the headmaster’s office, as he would in his pajamas in the Gryffindor common room. It infuriated Lily to no end that this year’s Head Boy should be someone who had been sent to this office more times in one year than most students managed in their entire school careers.

            “You may move the exact day within the week depending on your schedules,” said Dumbledore. “In fact, I would prefer you didn’t set a single day. I feel that observing at several different times would give you a more _complete_ picture.”

            James nodded absently and went back to watching the many sleeping portraits around the office, uninterested now that the Quidditch question had been cleared up. Lily, however, leaned forward in her chair. As much as it might feel like a personal insult have been selected as Head Girl only to be given the most irresponsible student in the school as her partner, she was determined to prove that _she_ , at least, was going to take this position seriously.

            “Professor Dumbledore,” she said carefully, “just to be clear: how exactly to you expect us do this? Do you want us trade off weeks or to each patrol the hallways one day a week?”

            “Actually, Miss Evans, I would like you to preform these duties together.”

            Lily gagged. “ _Together?_ ”

            “Yes,” said Dumbledore simply while James snickered. “Working in partners is always wise, especially at night and in these particular times. Hogwarts is in great need of unity and where better to start than with out Head Boy and Girl?” He fixed them both with an intense, blue stare.

            “Well, _I_ haven’t got a problem with that,” smirked James.

            Lily glared at him.

            Dumbledore put his fingertips together. “Do either of you have any other questions?”

            _If you want Head unity, why did you pair me this idiot?_ thought Lily, but she refused to argue. She wasn’t James Potter. _She_ respected her professors. _She_ believed in doing the right thing. So even if this entire situation was ridiculous, insulting even, she would not argue. She was above that.

            “Excellent,” said Dumbledore. “I look forward to a good year with the both of you.” His eyes twinkled behind his half-moon glasses. Yes, definitely a sadist. That or woefully oblivious. But Lily Evans was the Good Girl. She followed the rules (most the time, anyway). She stood up, bade Professor Dumbledore good night, and respectfully left the office.

            Unfortunately, only a few yards from the headmaster’s office, James caught up with her.

            “So…” He knocked into her elbow with his trademark smirk. “You and me together. Should be fun.”

            “This is supposed be work, not fun, Potter,” snapped Lily.

            James snorted. “I don’t know how you live like that. You’re so lucky you’ve ended up with me, Evans. Imagine if it were --”

            “Someone who wasn’t an arrogant prick? Yeah, just imagine.”

            “Ha!” James leaned into her with his classic one-sided smirk and cocked eyebrow. “You know you’re going to end up looking forward to these things.”

            “That’s as likely as You-Know-Who trying out for the ballet.”

            James burst out laughing. 

* * *

He showed up late the first time. Lily couldn’t imagine why she was surprised. It must be that her first week of classes had slammed her so hard what with this being her last year and preparing for N.E.W.T.s that she had forgotten to be angry that the Head Boy was – oh yeah – James Potter. What had Dumbledore been thinking? That didn’t matter, Lily reminded herself. This was her chance at being Head Girl. She wasn’t going to fail it.

            “You’re late,” said Lily as James strutted through the door fifteen minutes after the hour.

            “Good evening to you, too, Evans,” said James dropping his bag into chair and slouching against the adjacent table. They were using the Prefect room, a cozy classroom-turned-conference-room with a long, oval table and a fireplace used for the monthly prefect conferences, as a meeting place. Yes, they were both in Gryffindor and could meet easily, and more conveniently, in the common room, but Lily steadily shot that idea down. She didn’t say it out loud, but she didn’t think she could stand being seen leaving the common room with James Potter. Consistently. Alone.

            “Let’s go.” Lily got up and stomped towards the door, but before she could yank it open, James was there, holding it open.

            “After you,” he said with a slight bow, his obnoxious grin firmly in place.

            Lily scowled. “Shut up.”

            “I believe it’s called chivalry,” said James, letting the door close behind them. He never did stop smirking, did he? “Where to, my lady?”

            “Stop that,” snapped Lily.

            “What? Being polite?”

            “I’m not going to dignify that with an answer.” Lily pointed her nose in the air and marched forward. It was too much to hope that she had shut James up, though.

            “Wait a minute,” said James. “Where exactly are we going?”

            Lily rolled her eyes. “Have you forgotten what we’re doing already?”

            “Certainly not. We are --” He smile reached such a rakish level that Lily wanted to burn it off with a flame torch “-- patrolling the hallways,” he finished all too innocently. “My question was which hallway are we patrolling first?”

            “Transfiguration corridor,” said Lily. She saw something flash across James’s face. “What? You do not want to go there? Because you friends are planning an oh-so-funny prank tonight?”

            “Of course not,” James scoffed. “My friends are way too loyal to be having fun without me. Or they had better be.” He put on a dramatic scowl.

            Lily suspected James wanted her to laugh. She wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. Whatever Marauder drama was going on, she wanted nothing to do with it.

            “Aw, don’t be like that,” said James. “We were having a conversation.”

            “ _No_ ,” said Lily pointedly. “ _You_ were having a conversation, talking about yourself.”

             “Really now, Evans. I think you need your hearing checked.”

            “Shut up, Potter,” said Lily. She only succeeded in making James laugh, though.

            “Not gonna happen.”

            “I’ve noticed.”

            James laughed again, and Lily scowled. Nothing she did, however, could keep that delighted smirk off his face. She turned her back on him.

            “C’mon, Evans. You don’t want to spend the whole time in silence, do you?”

            _Actually, that would be wonderful_ , thought Lily, but she wasn’t stupid enough to think that would work with James Potter. And then she had an idea. A perfect, flawless idea.

            “All right, fine,” she said, glaring at James. “Let’s make an agreement.”

            James raised his eyebrows. “What agreement?”

            “During these patrol duties, we’re going to have a few rules,” said Lily.

            “ _And_ …?”

            “And what?”

            James rolled his eyes. “It’s obvious that whatever rules you’ve got up your sleeve, they’re for _me_. Agreements have to work both ways, Evans. What are _you_ going to agree to?” Lily gaped, flustered, but before she could come up with any words, James snapped his fingers. “Got it!” He smirked. “I’ll follow whatever these rules you’ve come up with are (given they aren’t completely boring) and you will be --” the smirk deepened “-- civil.”

            “Civil? I’m plenty civil!”

            James laughed. “And how many times have you told me to shut up in the past half hour?”

            “That’s your own fault, Potter.”

            “It’s a talent of mine,” said James easily. “But you’re changing the subject. I follow your rules, and you actually try to carry on the conversation.”

            Lily’s eyes narrowed.

            “Take it or leave it, Evans.” James’s grin pulled up more on the left side than the right, making a crooked smile even more obnoxious than usual.

             It didn’t matter; her idea would still work. “Fine,” said Lily. “But here’s the rules --  only one rule, actually: no talking about yourself… Or Quidditch.”

            James looked scandalized. “What’s wrong with Quidditch!”

            “Oh, _please_. It’s obviously just another excuse for you to talk about yourself and how ‘amazing’ you are. So no. No Quidditch.”

            James mouthed soundlessly at her. Lily gave him a smirk of her own. “Take it or leave it, Potter.”

            For once, James was speechless. Feeling extremely proud of herself, Lily turned down the hall, a satisfied smile on her face. She had done it. She had shut James Potter up, and now this night might finally be bearable.

            But then something happened that was not part of the plan. James drew even with her and said, “Well, then I suppose there’s only one thing to do.”

            “What?” said Lily suspiciously.

            James’s grin grew wider. “We’ll just have to talk about you.”


	2. The Interrogation

“I don’t think…” began Lily, but James didn’t even let her finish.

            “What’s your favorite color?”

            Lily gave him a look. James just put his lips together and made a “Go on” gestured.

            “Ugh! Green. But --”

            “Green? That’s Slytherin’s color!”

            “I thought we said no Quidditch!”

            “Evans, entire house of Slytherin is not the same thing as Quidditch,” said James. “Who was your best friend when you were five?”

            “I’m not going to answer that!” cried Lily.

            James peered down at her over to top of his glasses. “Miss Evans,” he said in an uncanny impression of Professor Dumbledore, “I believe we had an agreement.”

            “I said I would attempt to carry on a conversation. I didn’t give you permission to interrogate me! There are plenty of other things to talk about.”

            James seemed to consider it a moment. Then, “Nope. Not as interesting. Best friend at five?”

            Lily folded arms and pushed her lips together.

            James cocked an eyebrow. “Did I ever mention the time I scored seven goals against Ravenclaw in --”

            “Fine! Kate Witherspoon.”

            “Excellent! Why were you friends?”

            The questions came incessantly after that. If Lily had thought James would run out of steam before long, she was dead wrong. He wanted to know everything. Her favorite vacation, the color of her toothbrush, how many shoes she owned, her favorite type of cereal, whether she was more of a beach or a mountains person, her worst spell mix-up… He fired questions at her so rapidly she hardly had time to draw breath between replies. She was sometimes angry, reluctant, even brutally honest. None of it deterred him. When she refused to answer, he would start on some especially arrogant boast and then she would have to answer just to cut him off.

            By the end of the night, Lily felt like she had talked more than she ever had in her life. James kept grilling her to the end.

            “Did you have any pets?”

            “What time is it?” Lily wondered.

            “That’s not an acceptable answer.”

            Lily checked her watch. “Oh my goodness! It’s nearly midnight. We should probably call it a night.”

            “Not until you answer my question.”

            Lily tried to keep going, but James stepped in front of her, arms folded across his chest. “Nuh-uh, Evans.”

            “You are infuriating!” screamed Lily. James just quirked an eyebrow. “I had a chick once.” Then, knowing James wouldn’t let her stop there, Lily added as fast as she could, “I hatched him from an egg, but when he got older, my mum decided he was ugly, and we donated him to a farm. We _are_ finished now.”

            “If you say so,” said James gallantly (correction: mockingly gallant. There was nothing truly gallant about James from his skin to his bones).

            “So you finally out of questions, then?”

            James’s smile broadened. “Not even close.” 

* * *

James made good on his threat. Lily expected him to tire of his game after a hour, then a week. After three, she resigned herself to it. Their talks weren’t really conversations – at best, they were arguments – but they were more enjoyable that Lily would have expected talking to James Potter would be. Though not as enjoyable, Lily reminded herself, as conversations with a _real_ partner. More often than not, they ended up bickering. And yet, if Lily were completely honest with herself, she would have to admit that in the long nights of Head duties, they were building _something_. And maybe it wasn’t entirely unpleasant.

* * *

“What does your dad do?”

            “He’s a policeman.”

            “A please— _what_?”

            “Policeman. Muggle law keeper.”

            “Wait -- Are they those men in the funny uniforms who yell at you for painting the neighbor’s door orange?”

            “How many run-ins with the police have you had, Potter?”

            “Sorry, Evans. I’m not allowed to discuss myself at the moment.”

            “Potter!”

* * *

“A cat! Out of all the magical animals to chose, you go for a cat!”

            “I like cats!”

            “Sure, cat’s are _fine_. But they aren’t really exciting are they?”

            “Does everything have to be overly exciting for you?”

            “But…cats don’t even have any magical properties. Maybe cats are your favorite Muggle animal, but in the wizarding world…”

            “Toads have magical properties. Do you expect me to go for them?”

* * *

“James Potter, you cannot use the terms of our agreement to avoid talking about being late all the time!”

            “Hate to burst your bubble, Evans, but talking about me being late is still talking about me.”

            “That is not what I meant when I said you couldn’t talk about yourself!”

            “You should have been more specific then. The deal is done and sealed now.”

            “Let’s renegotiate.”

            “Nope. I like things just the way they are right -- Whoa there, Evans! It’s there something about not hexing your partner?”

            “Yes. It’s right next to the line about being _on time_.” 

* * *

Not all of the time did James ask questions that were easily answered. He wanted her to explain why she loved potions, her experiences growing up in the Muggle world, what her family was like. Sometimes his questions and her answers bled together and almost became a real conversation. And occasionally, just once or twice, Lily forgot with whom she was talking.

            “So how did you find out you were a witch?” said James one night in October.

            Lily remembered vividly and flinched. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

            James raised his eyebrows. “Oh come on. You know I’m not going to take that for an answer.”

            “I don’t want to talk about it,” repeated Lily more firmly.

            “What?” cried James. He stepped in front of her and grabbed her shoulders so that he was looking directly at her. Lily felt her face grow hot. “How can you not want to talk about it? You found out you had magic!”

            “Hands off, Potter,” growled Lily. Reluctantly, he dropped his hands but stayed stationed right in front of her. Lily didn’t look at him as she mumbled, “It just isn’t surrounded with all warm, fuzzy feelings.”

            James, in an uncharacteristic act of self-restraint, just folded his arms and fixed her with a look that said only too clearly, “ _And…?_ ”

            Lily glared at him and his permanent smirk, thinking she could tell him exactly what bothered her about her first introduction to the wizarding world. It would hit him right in the stomach, she thought. But, for some reason, she didn’t want to do that. Instead, she settled for keeping their strange truce and went for a half-truth.

            “It’s kind of the whole reason for my fall out with my sister.”

            “How does that work out?”

            Lily threw her hands up in the air then let them drop. “She just…doesn’t like magic. Even since I started going to Hogwarts, we’ve been drifting apart. Actually, drifting apart is putting it nicely. I’d get home, and she’d hardly talk to me. She didn’t want to hear about Hogwarts, my classes, anything.”

            “So she’s jealous.”

            “No. She just hates magic. She calls me a freak.”

            “Yeah. Because she’s jealous.”

            Lily scowled. “You don’t even know my sister. How can you know she’s jealous?”

            James just waved a hand. “Isn’t is obvious?” When Lily just glared at him, he elaborated, “You’ve got something cool and awesome that she wants but can’t have so she pretends like she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. She’s jealous.”

            Lily didn’t respond.

            “C’mon, Evans. Admit it. I’m right.”

            Lily’s eyes narrowed. “You’re getting dangerously close to talking about yourself, Potter.”

            James rolled his eyes. “Fine. You are just too prejudiced to admit that I know about these things.” He gave her an arrogant smirk that Lily did not return. “So how is it now?”

            “How is what?”

            “Your relationship with your sister.”

            “Oh,” muttered Lily. She studied her feet as they moved into the next corridor. “She moved to London this summer. Apparently she’s really liking it. I hardly saw her. And she’s dating some guy she met at work.” Lily rolled her eyes. “He’s all she did talk about when I saw her. She thinks he’s _perfect_.”

            “And you?” said James, clearly fighting back a grin.

            Lily pursed her lips. “I think he resembles a walrus.”

            James burst out laughing. “Honestly?”

            “Well -- I -- This stays between you and me, Potter!”

            James started laughing harder.

            “No mentioning it to anyone!” said Lily, reaching for her wand. “Got it, Potter?”

            James eyed her wand, still laughing. “Fine, fine. But I never thought I’d hear _you_ refer to anyone as a walrus.”

            “It’s the mustache,” muttered Lily.

            “Handlebar?”

            “No, but… He just does, okay?”

            James kept on laughing, but not mockingly. Maybe he just found her genuinely funny.

            Lily shrugged her shoulders and didn’t quite look at him as she said, “I’ve never met him, actually. He’s very concerned about things being ‘normal,’ and according to Petunia, I don’t fit in that box.”

            “Sounds like a real charmer.”

            “It’s my sister who doesn’t want me to meet him.”

            “Why?”

            Lily groaned. “Because she thinks that I’m going to scare him off.”

            James raised his eyebrows. “So basically your sister cares more about this guy she’s dating than you, her sister,” he said flippantly.

            “Yep,” said Lily.

            James didn’t immediately answer. When Lily looked up, his permanent, mischievous smirk wasn’t there any more. “That sucks.”

            Lily shrugged.

            “I’m sorry,” said James.

            Lily was caught by surprise and therefore didn’t answer as she probably should have. She hadn’t ever expected those words to come out of James Potter’s mouth, let alone sincerely. As the pause stretched longer, she began to think maybe the conversation was over.

            James never lived up to her expectations, however. “So I suppose the question is, then, whether you had rather not discovered magic or have things the way they are.”

            Lily opened her mouth, at least three thoughts forming on her tongue but no wording forthcoming. Finally, she closed her eyes and groaned. “Isn’t one soul-searching conversation enough? Can’t we go back to the ‘What’s your favorite puppy?’ type questions?”

            Lily opened her eyes. James was giving her The Look. Too drained to argue, Lily raised her eyebrows right back at him, hoping with impossible hope that he’d see she was serious.

            Finally, James laughed. “Okay, Evans. What is your favorite puppy?” A pause. “What does that even mean?”

            They were back on safe ground. Lily answered his small talk questions, which keep coming (How on earth did he come up so many questions?), but she was only half paying attention. Her mind kept flittering back to their pervious conversation.

            It wasn’t her relationship with her sister that troubled her. At least, not right now. It was that she didn’t have to get into that conversation at all. She had had the perfect defense. When he’d asked about finding out she was a witch, all she’d have to do was say one word – two, maybe – to shut him down. Severus Snape. Lily would be very much surprised if James wanted to hear that his archenemy had been her first introduction to the magical world. In fact, she was almost sure that telling the truth would punch through all his arrogant defenses and right into his gut.

            But she hadn’t wanted to. It wasn’t because of the lost friendship: she was over that now. So why hadn’t she wanted to cause James Potter pain?


	3. Reevaluation

Lily entered the prefect room too distracted to notice that James, already there, was on time for once. “Have you seen the paper today?” she demanded.

            James’s eyebrows had traveled far up his forehead. “You mean the _Daily Prophet_?” he said, holding the door open for her.

            “Yes, of course. What else would I be talking about?” Lily led the way out the room and down a set of stairs. They’d be patrolling the dungeons tonight.

            “Yeah, I saw it,” said James. “But nothing’s happening. No one’s dead.”

            Lily scowled at him. “You say that like it’s a joke.”

            James smirked. “In these days, it’s news.”

            Lily tried to glare at him, but she might as well be blowing bubbles for all the good it did. She threw up her hands in the air. “I give up. You’re impossible.”

            She was rewarded with a laugh. “But really,” said James, bumping her shoulder. “What did you see in the paper that I didn’t?”

            “Didn’t you see that article about Barty Crouch?”

            “The Head of the Department of Magical Enforcement? Sure,” James shrugged. “Looks like he’s cracking down on the law. Good.”

            “No,” said Lily furiously. “It’s not good at all!”

            James let out a laugh of surprise. “Not good? Evans,” he said. “Are you secretly pro-Voldemort?”

            Lily flinched a little at the name, but glared. “No! Of course not! But that law is no good, and you know it!”

            “How is it no good?” said James. “Aurors can catch Death Eaters easier, and once they do, they can make sure they go to Azkaban, where they belong. What’s wrong with that?”

            “We’re descending to their level, that’s what’s wrong!”

            James looked sincerely surprised. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” he said, holding his hands up. “Calm down there, Evans. What’s got your wand all in a knot?”

            “That law and Barty Crouch! He’s just -- Ugh!” Lily glanced at James whose expression was something between laughing and concern for her sanity. “Don’t you see? There’s no point in fighting the Death Eaters if we’re going to become just as bad ourselves!”

            “Okay,” said James, who was still looking like he was humoring her. “But what makes you think we’re becoming Death Eaters?”

            “Really?” said Lily. “Those new ‘powers’ he’s giving the Aurors? That’s Dark Magic!”

            “He’s just saying they can protect themselves! That’s not Dark Magic. It’s common sense!”

            “They’re allowed to use the Unforgivable Curses!” Lily snapped. “That’s Dark Magic!”

            James wavered. “Okay, yeah. But… I mean, you’ve got to do some things to survive.”

            “Like torturing people? Controlling people? What help is that?”

            “It gives you information.”

            “It’s completely immoral!”

            James studied her for a moment, then said, “So you haven’t got a problem with the permission to kill?”

            Lily hesitated. “I…”

            “You have to admit it’s a smart move,” said James.

            Lily frowned at him. “Why?”

            James waved a hand. “No one wants to admit it, but the Death Eaters and Voldemort are some of the most talented witches and wizards alive. And they’re going for the kill. Fighting against them without being able to go all the way would be just stupid.”

            “But…killing’s just _evil_.”

            “Of course it is,” said James. “But this is war.”

            “Just because it’s war doesn’t mean that we can throw all our morals out the window!”

            “But we have to fight back. Otherwise we just sit by and let evil take over.” Lily didn’t answer, and James pressed on. “Look, I’m not saying we should kill whenever we get the chance – you’re right, that’s completely a Death Eater idea – but when someone’s trying to kill you? You have to fight back as hard as you can, right?”

            Lily pursed her lips. “I still don’t like the Imperius or the Crutiatus curse. They just feel _wrong_. They’re Dark Magic. And _Avada Kedavra_ is just as much Dark Magic.”

            “There are other ways to kill,” James pointed out. “Does it make any difference what spell you use?”

            “No! It’s still all bad!”

            “Fine,” said James. “But there’s no way I’m going to let Death Eater hurt my family or my friends no matter what I have to do.”

            Lily took a step back from the blazing look in his eye.

            “C’mon, Evans. Your family’s all Muggles. Are you saying you wouldn’t fight to protect them?”

            “Of course I would! I’m just saying --”

            “That you wouldn’t kill? Have you ever been in a dual? You haven’t always got time to pick out the perfect spell. You have to react!”

            “There’s always Stunning!”

            “And that can be undone in seconds! If you’re outnumbered, you’ll be signing your death warrant!”

            They had stopped moving. Lily’s face was hot, and she glared right into James’s eyes gleaming behind his glasses. They were both breathing heavily. It took some effort for Lily to unclench her fists and say evenly, “So what you’re saying is that you’re willing to kill.”

            “What I’m saying,” said James, “is that I don’t want innocent lives on my head because I was a coward.”

            “Respecting life isn’t cowardice.”

            “Running from a fight isn’t moral superiority.”

            Lily turned her back on him and started walking, determined to stop this ridiculous conversation. She didn’t have any interest in anything James Potter had to say, she firmly reminded herself. It lasted about two seconds, and then – the words just popped out of her mouth – “If a Death Eater was handed to you right now, then, would you kill him?”

            “No,” said James.

            That forced her to look at him. “Why?”

            “Because I have morals, Evans,” James snapped. “Whatever else _you_ might think.”

            The air seemed suddenly charged between them. Neither one said a word. It slowly dawned on Lily that James was angry with _her_. She had spent so much time insulting and ridiculing him, she hadn’t ever thought she could actually offend him. But apparently she had. Badly.

            The tension thickened with as their silence stretched longer, made worse as Lily realized why it was so uncomfortable. James hadn’t asked a single question. They hadn’t had a silence this long since they started patrolling together. James hadn’t allowed it. Lily chanced a glance at him. He was looking straight ahead, his hands shoved into his pockets. It appeared that the responsibility of making conversation was on Lily’s shoulders.

            Finally, the awkwardness of the silence grew to be too much. “Well, that’s not the only mistake Barty Crouch is making,” she said stiffly.

            “Really?” said James. “Don’t tell me you have a problem with locking Death Eaters up.”

            “Without a trial, yes,” said Lily.

            James rolled his eyes. “Evans, if they’re Death Eaters, why do they need a trial? They are obviously guilty.”

            “And how do you know for sure that the person you have is really a Death Eater?”

            “The Ministry isn’t going to lock up someone they think just _might_ be a Death Eater.”

            “Oh really?” Lily put her hands on her hips. “Are you sure about that? You don’t think there’s any way that that could be abused? You don’t think that anyone could get framed and thrown in Azkaban? Or that they won’t just start imprisoning anyone who looks dangerous?”

            “Look --” began James.

            “And that’s not all!” interrupted Lily. “Imagine if the Death Eaters infiltrated the Ministry – they could imprison whomever they like! Without anyone being any the wiser! And the policy clearly favors purebloods. It does!” she added, catching James’s disbelieving face. “If someone _is_ falsely accused, who’s going to have better access to inside the Ministry? Not the Muggle-borns -- it’s the families who’ve been around for centuries! In fact, Death Eaters will probably have an easier time getting out of Azkaban than the rest of us because they _are_ purebloods!”

            James’s eyes were wide as saucers. “Wow.”

            “You can’t trust the government, Potter!” said Lily, jabbing him in the chest.

            If James’s eyes could get any wider, they did. Then, quite out of the blue, he let out a laugh. “You’ve got an antiestablishment streak, haven’t you?” he said wryly.

            “And you haven’t?” snapped Lily.

            James held out for a moment, but at last, his smirk broke through and he laughed. Lily would be angry, but at last the tension between them was melting. She settled for rolling her eyes.

            “Point being…”

            “You don’t like Crouch,” finished James.

            “No,” said Lily.

            To Lily’s surprise, James shrugged. “I don’t like him either.”

            “You _don’t_?”

            “No!” said James. “He’s too much of a politician. More concerned about his position and his image than fighting the war. Power thirsty.”

            James looked serious, which seemed weird to Lily. “Then why were you arguing with me?” she said.

            “Because who’s to say if put in his position, I wouldn’t do the same thing? For different reasons, of course,” he added quickly. As Lily stared at him, he smirked. “And because I enjoy arguing with you. Obviously.”

            “You’re kidding.”

            “Nope.”

            “That explains so much,” grumbled Lily. James just laughed.

            They were quiet again, but this time it wasn’t so tense. In fact, it was almost… comfortable. Finally, James said, “So… what did we learn today?”

            Lily’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean ‘what did we learn today?’”

            James’s face took on the innocent expression that surely meant trouble. “We’ve just had a deep, intense conversation. Surely we’ve learned something.”

            “By ‘we,’ you mean ‘me,’ don’t you?” said Lily. James made a little “Go on” gesture, and Lily scowled. “Morals don’t change because of war, Potter,” she said.

            “All right then,” said James. “And the world isn’t going to get better by just holding hands and making daisy chains, Evans.”

            “I did _not_ say that!”

            “Oh, right. It would be lilies for you, wouldn’t it?”

            Lily closed her eyes and groaned. “ _Potter._ ”

            It was the first conversation Lily had initiated during their hallway talks. Lily didn’t notice, but James did.

* * *

“Wait!” James flung out his arm, catching Lily across the chest. They were up near the Astronomy Tower tonight, and Lily had no idea what had James quivering like a dog on point.

            “What in Merlin’s name --”

            “ _Shh!_ ” hissed James. He put a finger out as if to press her lips, but Lily snatched it away before he could. She glared and started to speak, but James gave her such a significant look that she wouldn’t put it past him to cover her mouth if she started talking. So she folded her arms across her chest and did her best to write the words _If you do anything stupid I will not hesitate to turn you into a slug_ across her face.

            James gave her a pointed look -- Lily scowled at him -- and he carefully pulled back a tapestry.

            There was a hidden staircase behind it. Being at Hogwarts, and with James Potter, that wasn’t surprising. But what was surprising were the two, fiercely entwined figures that came to view just inches away as James pulled back the tapestry. Lily only got a glimpse between he let it fall back again.

            “Oh no,” groaned Lily. “I _hate_ breaking up couples.”

            “Don’t worry,” whispered James quickly. “I’ve got this.”

            Perhaps she went temporarily insane because for a moment she actually thought James was going to help her. James pulled back an inch of the tapestry and took out his wand, and Lily should have known it would go downhill from there. A muttered word and a flick -- the stairs turned into a giant stone ramp.

            Before she even heard the girl scream, James grabbed her wrist and dragged her down the hallway at a run. “ _Potter_ ,” Lily hissed as they raced down a different set of stairs, but James was grinning from ear to ear, clearly enjoying himself far too much to care what she had to say. Lily heard thuds echo through the silent castle. They hit the bottom of the stairs and started sprinting down the corridor. James’s grip was still tight on her wrist, and Lily was starting wonder how long he intended to keep running, when a yell split the air.

            “PRONGS!”

            Lily skidded to a stop. “That was _Black_?”

            James snickered. “Who else?”

            And suddenly, Lily didn’t want to admit it, but the whole situation became a lot funnier.

            “PRONGS! I KNOW THAT WAS YOU!” It sounded like Sirius Black, James’s best friend and notorious womanizer, was getting closer.

            “Well,” said Lily, jabbing James in the ribs. “Own up to it.”

            James gave her his pleading, puppy-dog face that didn’t go well against his grin. Lily tried to look stern and not at all as if she might start laughing. She must have somewhat succeeded because James ran his hand through his hair and strode back down the corridor just as Sirius rounded the corner.

            “Hey, mate!” called James. “Fancy seeing you here!”

            “I’m going to kill you, Prongs!”

            James just laughed. “Oh, and hello, Marissa. How nice to see you here, too.”

            Lily moved down the corridor until she could see a girl with dark hair falling out of what might have once been a bun. She had dark skin, but a red tinge was still creeping into her cheeks. She tried to adjust her wrinkled clothes as her eyes went from James, Head Boy, to Lily, Head Girl. “I - I think it might be best to go,” she said, looking at Sirius.

            “Smart girl,” said James. “Not really your type, though, Padfoot,” he added with a smirk.

            “At least _I_ get some action --”

            “ _O-K!_ ” interrupted Lily. “That’s enough. What are we going to do with them now that we’ve found them?” She glared at James.

            “We’ll consider this a warning,” said James seriously. It would be easier to believe he actually was serious if that smirk of his wasn’t still there. “Should we find you in a … _compromising_ position again --”

            “You’ll put us in detention?” said Sirius with mock concern.

            “No,” smirked James. “But I will consider a Permanent Sticking Charm.”

            Lily had to put a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. There was no doubt about it now: Marissa was red. Sirius rolled his eyes. “Very funny, Prongs.”

            “I think it’s the official punishment prescribed by that prefect’s handbook. Isn’t that right, Evans?”

            “Whatever, Potter,” said Lily, but something about James’s bright mood was infectious. She couldn’t help adding, “I thought it was pictures.”

            James started laughing, and Sirius’s mouth dropped open. “Since when have you had _her_ on your side?”

            It was Lily’s turn to go red. James, however, was grinning bigger than ever. “It’s the glory of being Head Boy, mate.” He flashed a smile. “Run along now! Mind you don’t get into trouble!”

            Marissa looked more than happy to leave. Sirius wagged a finger at James. “You wait. Tomorrow’s going to be fun for you, Prongs.”

            “Look forward to it,” said James cheerfully.

            They left, and Lily and James were alone. Not two seconds later, though, they heard a girl’s voice yelling, “I can’t believe you set me up for one of your pranks like that!”

            James turned back down the hall again, snickering. “At least, we know that they wouldn’t be starting up again anytime soon.”

            Lily let out an embarrassed snort. “Don’t you feel bad for him?”

            “Padfoot?” said James, “Not a bit.”

            “But he’s your best friend, isn’t he? And that has to be uncomfortable, even if he isn’t embarrassed.”

            “Here’s the thing, Evans,” said James. “Do you ever feel bad for insulting me? Obviously not. Sometimes we Marauders need our heads deflated. Brutally.” James gave her that characteristic Potter smirk: one eyebrow up, the left side of his mouth pulled more than the other. But somehow it wasn’t as annoying as before.

            Lily resisted. She had been battling between laughing and scolding the whole time and at last one side won. She giggled.

            James smirk turned into a big, goofy smile. Lily started giggling harder. James joined in, and they started full out laughing.

            “You’re ridiculous, Potter,” said Lily.

            “I’ll take pride in that,” said James. That goofy smile still hadn’t left his face.

            Lily shook her head, but she couldn’t stop laughing.


	4. The Friend

By mid-October, Lily had to admit to herself that she wasn’t dreading head duties with James anymore. He had stuck to the terms of their agreement religiously. And although it was annoying when he used it to avoid talking about subjects like “the Head Boy should not congratulate miscreants on being creative!” Lily was pleasantly surprised by his ability to carry on a conversation about anything else. It wasn’t all interrogation, either. Though James clearly enjoyed it, especially if he could think up a question that would make her blush, he was willing to talk about whatever subject she brought up. When she was perfectly honest with herself, Lily found that patrolling the hallways had never been so interesting before. In fact, if all her experience with James Potter came only from the discussions during Head patrols, she would have thought him a decent human being.

            And that, of course, was a very dangerous thought. Because James Potter was not a decent human being, and a few enjoyable, even fun, nights patrolling weren’t going to change that.

            They just made it worse when reality hit.

            And of course it did. Lily wanted to curse herself for ever getting lulled into such a foolish sense of security. James Potter was not a decent human being. He was not even slightly good human being. He was an arrogant, self-centered prat.

            Reality came in the form of the gossip on Tuesday evening that James Potter and Sirius had been set detentions, yet again. That wasn’t exactly surprising because becoming Head Boy had hardly changed the amount of respect James had for the rules –in other words, none at all. It was news because half the school had been there when Professor McGonagall had declared that they were the most childish, most impossible set of students she had ever had to work with. It was news to Lily because what they were put in detention for was nothing less that the public humiliation of their archenemy, Severus Snape.

            Lily had stayed over an hour after dinner in the Great Hall, pressing Mary McDonald for every bit of information she had about the scene, fury building up inside of her with every word. She had been so angry that she didn’t realize that she should have been meeting James Potter _right now_ for their Head Duties until ten past the hour.

            Lily wrenched open the door to the prefect conference room five minutes later to find James already there, his feet propped on the table.

            James swung his legs off the table and sat up very straight. “You’re late, Evans,” he said in a tone very unlike his own.

            It took Lily a minute to figure out he was imitating her, and by then she was so outranged, all she do was glare at him, her mouth dropped open.

            James’s lip twitched, but he kept up the show. Pointing his chin in the air, he strode dramatically through the open door. “We’re patrolling the Charms Corridor today,” he declared.

            Lily kicked the door shut and stormed after him. “James Potter, what are you thinking!”

            James burst out laughing. “How kind of you to join us today, Evans.”

            “No!” said Lily, jabbing a finger at his chest. “No. No more of --” She struggled to find a word bad enough “ --  _this_!”

            James’s eyebrows were pulled up in his entirely unbelievable innocently surprised expression. “Hold on there. No need to take my eye out. What’s got your panties all twisted up?”

            “Wha -- As if it isn’t obvious!” shouted Lily. “It’s you, you big-headed, self-absorbed git!”

             For one, minuscule fraction of a second, James looked like he didn’t know what to say. Then, his smirk popped back on. “That’s all really fascinating, Evans, but I’m afraid I can’t discuss myself at the mo --”

            “ _Don’t you dare!_ ” shrieked Lily. “Don’t you _dare_ use that excuse on me now!”

            James looked genuinely surprised. “What are you so upset about?”

            “Did you forget that you got detention today!” shouted Lily.

            James rolled his eyes. “Two detentions, that’s nothing. Besides, they didn’t even interfere with tonight, so what do you care? It’s the Quidditch team that --"

            “Oh there you go on about Quidditch! Is that the only thing that matters to you?”

            “What is _wrong_ with you?” said James.

            “UGG!” Lily knew her face was red and James probably thought she was ridiculous, but she was too angry to care. “You publically _humiliated_ a boy in front of half the school today, and all you care about is Quidditch? You are sick!”

            James Potter did not blush, but his face darkened. “That’s not what happened. It was Snape, and if you knew --”

            “Oh, so Snape’s not a person anymore?” shouted Lily. “That’s _so_ much better! Let’s just continue to write off anyone we don’t like as ‘non-human’ so that we can humiliate and torture them as we like --”

            “You know, you wouldn’t care so much if it wasn’t Snape!” said James fiercely.

            “Of course I would!” said Lily. “It’s the principle of the thing --”

            “Who are you kidding!” said James, his voice raising. “You only fly off the handle like this when it’s about Snape!”

            “Fly off the handle?” screamed Lily.

            “Why do you even care about Snape?” interrupted James at a shout. “I thought you weren’t even friends anymore!”

            Lily flinched. Blood rushed to her cheeks as she fired back, “Doesn’t mean I don’t still care about him!”

            “How can anyone care about that slimy little --”

            “We were best friends, Potter!” Lily spat. “He introduced me to the magical world!”

            James expression was a mixture of shock and disgust. “You’re kidding.”

            “No,” said Lily. “I’m not.”

            “That’s – How did _that_ happen?”

            “He watched me for a while and saw me doing magic and told me what I was.”

            “Creepy much?”

            “It was one of the best things that ever happened to me,” spat Lily glaring right into his eyes.

            James’s expression was definitely disgusted now. He actually took a step away from her. “That isn’t even possible.”

            “Just because you don’t have a heart,” snapped Lily. She now realized that they’d been shouting in the corridor outside the prefect conference room for a good ten minutes, and they still had hours to go. She wondered if she just leave now and tell Dumbledore her partner was intolerable in the morning.

            But James wasn’t leaving, and something about his expression said he wasn’t going to let her go either. “How did you become friends,” he demanded.

            “I’m not answering that!” said Lily.

            “You have to.”

            “No, contrary to what you think, I don’t have to do everything you say!” said Lily. James folded his arms and glared. Frustration building, Lily spat, “I’m not telling you. You won’t listen.”

            “Yes, I will.”

            “No, you won’t!” said Lily. “It’ll just be in one ear and out the other.”

            “I will listen,” said James though clenched teeth. There was determined gleam in his eyes that Lily had never really seen before.

            James was bitter and angry. Maybe Lily just wanted to drive the one nail she had through him as much as possible because she stormed down the corridor, firing out truth behind her. “I was on the swing and jumping off way too high to land safely. He saw me and told me I was a witch. I thought he was insulting me.”

            “Why?’

            “Witches don’t have a good image in the Muggle world,” Lily snapped.

            “Then why was this the best thing that ever happened to you?”

            He was mocking her, and Lily knew it. Her hands curled into fists. “Because it explained everything! I wasn’t just an outcast anymore!”

            James laughed uncomfortably. “There’s no way you were an outcast.”

            Lily glared at him. “What would you do around someone who can do things no one else can? By that time all my friends had figured out I was different. _I_ knew I was different. We all thought I was a freak.”

            James’s hand ruffled his already ridiculous hair. His mouth twisted into a grimaced smile. “Tortured childhood, then.”

            “Well, no. Not really,” admitted Lily. “It just… It’s the magical world, you know. It’s amazing. And I had a part in it. _You_ can’t understand what it’s like,” she added bitterly to James. “ _You_ take magic for granted.”

            To his credit, James just sort of acknowledged that with a shrug and said, “So finding out about the wizarding world was the good thing?”

            In spite of everything, Lily smiled a little. “When you’re a kid and you find out magic’s real, it’s like walking into a fairytale. He told me about Hogwarts, spells, flying brooms, Azkaban --”

            “Why on earth did he tell you about Azkaban?”

            “I was really worried about getting sent there,” said Lily. James snorted. “Because I did magic outside of school!” she said defensively. “He told me that wasn’t allowed!”

            James snickered, and Lily wished that his obnoxious smirk would come back and replace the angry glint in his eyes. “You liked magic, then,” he said.

            Lily’s eyes narrowed as she picked up of what he was implying. “And I liked him. We were _friends_.”

            “ _Why?_ ” demanded James.

            “Just because you don’t like him!” shouted Lily, throwing her hands in the air. “He was _nice_. Sweet -- yes, I mean it!” Lily added as James gagged.

            “But he was drenched in the Dark Arts!”

            “That wasn’t his fault!” said Lily. “His family was awful.”

            “That’s not an excuse,” said James.

            “You don’t know what was like for him,” said Lily. “You can’t imagine what it was like for him. You’ve never seen it!”

            “Don’t have to,” grunted James. “I’ve met Padfoot’s family.”

            Lily pursed her lips. She’d heard some about Sirius’s family, of course, but not that much. “What do you mean?”

            “What do I mean?” said James. “It’s hard to find a more pureblood obsessed family than the Blacks. Plenty of Dark magic thrown in, too. His mother is literally insane – you should hear some of the stories.”

            “So you know this first hand or just the stories from Black?”

            “There’s a reason we always hung out at my place,” said James darkly. “But you don’t see _Padfoot_ going over to the Dark side.”

            “That’s different!” said Lily. “When we were little, he didn’t even care about the Dark Arts. We were friends for years before we came to Hogwarts, and he never mentioned any sort of curses.”

            “So he was smart then, and didn’t tell you the things you wouldn’t like.”

            “Do you always have to think the worst of him?” Lily snapped. “He was not always so absorbed in that Death Eater thinking. He told me that it didn’t matter that I was Muggle-born!”

            “Well _that_ changed,” muttered James.

            Lily didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of a flinch, but she couldn’t help it.

            James must have noticed. He smiled slightly. “So that’s how you were friends as kids, but at Hogwarts? Why stay friends then? Weren’t there some pretty major warning bells? Like – oh, I don’t know –  maybe him _ending up in Slytherin_?”

            “No!” said Lily. “And as far as I’m concerned, the worse people in our year were sorted into Gryffindor!”

            James’s mouth popped open. “No need to mince words, Evans,” he muttered.

            They glared at each other for a moment. James broke first. With an exaggerated sigh he said, “So we’ve got some serious disconnect here. Because you keep going on about how Snape’s this innocent, misunderstood boy, but even _you_ have to see he wants to become a Death Eater. He has for years!”

            “Well, yes -- but not at first!” spluttered Lily.

            “Then why stick with him?”

            “Because we were _friends_!”

            “But still…” said James.

            “Oh come on!” said Lily. “Are you telling me that if Black started going toward the Dark Arts you’d ditch him right away?”

            “What? No! That’s different! Padfoot would never join the Death Eaters!”

            “Are you _sure_?”

            “Of course I’m sure!” snapped James. “Padfoot would never do anything like that!”

            “That’s what I thought about Severus!”

            “Well,” said James harshly, “you were wrong there.”

            Lily gulped. “You don’t need to tell me that.” Her eyes were prickling. She blinked furiously. She would not allow herself to cry. Not now, not in front of James Potter, not about this.

            When James spoke again, his voice was so gentle that it momentarily shocked Lily. “So you honestly didn’t expect him to go for the Death Eaters?”

            “Not – not exactly,” said Lily, trying to keep her voice steady. “I knew – I knew the Dark Arts _attracted_ him. But I thought I could stop it.”

            “Why?” said James quietly.

            “Because -- Because I thought we were friends!” said Lily. “I thought that if he knew how I felt about it, he would stop doing it!” Lily wiped under her eyes, furious at herself for losing control at this moment.

            “Did you ever tell him what you thought?” said James.

            “Of course I did!” said Lily. “I told him it wasn’t cool, it wasn’t funny, I didn’t think it was a good idea. I told him I didn’t like the friends he was hanging out with. I _know_ I told him that what You-Know-Who was up to was wrong and sick! And he just…”

            “He wouldn’t listen?”

            “He’d blow it off. Or he’d start going on about you,” said Lily, rolling her eyes.

            “What did he say about me?” James sounded slightly alarmed.

            “Oh, you know,” said Lily. “Look what Potter’s doing. That’s nothing compared to what Potter’s up to. Like I gave a care about you!”

            “Um,” said James. “Right.”

            “Anyways, I tried and _tried_ to make him see sense. I thought it was obvious that you couldn’t be friends with a Muggle-born and be a Death Eater! But apparently…” Lily wiped at her eyes furiously. “I thought I could make him change. I thought that our friendship mattered to him. He _said_ it did. When I told him I didn’t like who he was hanging out with, _he_ accused _me_ of not being a good friend. But then --” Lily glanced at James who, she now noticed, was listening earnestly. “Do you remember that afternoon after one of our O.W.L.s?”

            “Do you mean the one where you said you’d rather go out with the giant squid than me?”

            Lily rolled her eyes. “Make this all about you, Potter.”

            “Hey! It was traumatizing!” When she just scowled at him, James went on, “Um, you also said you didn’t know how my broom could get off the ground with my big head on it. And you basically implied that you hated everything about me. Or are there some other insults I’m forgetting?”

            “He called me a Mudblood,” said Lily wearily. “Remember?”

            “Oh. That. That was completely out of order,” said James. “Why didn’t you --?”

            “I did,” sighed Lily. “That’s what did it. I finally realized that if he was far gone enough to call me a Mudblood then -- Well, then he probably didn’t care about me enough change. I told him that if he was going to keep following the Death Eaters then we couldn’t be friends anymore.”

            “Just like that?” said James. “Impressive.”

            “Well, I didn’t expect it to be the end!” cried Lily. “I still thought -- Oh, you’re going to laugh at me! -- I thought that he didn’t realize how important this was to me. I thought if I laid down the ultimatum that he would, you know, realize he was wrong. I thought he would change and come back. And we could be friends again.”

            After a moment, Lily tore her eyes off the ground and looked at James. “I’m not laughing,” he said quickly.

            “But you think I’m an idiot,” said Lily.

            “I --” James ran a hand backwards through his already messed up hair. “-- I accept that the Severus Snape you knew wasn’t the same one I know.”

            “So…?” said Lily.

            “So do you still want to be friends with him?”

            “I -- No?” Lily had a tortured expression. “I still care about him, in a sense. I miss what we had. But he’s changed. A lot. And so have I. So… No. I don’t want to be friends with him anymore.”

            “But you’re still torn up about it,” said James.

            Lily groaned, running her hands over her face. “It’s not _him_ , exactly. It’s just -- I – I thought I had a friend. A good friend. And it turns out I was wrong.”

            “And you hate being wrong,” said James.

            Lily had to smile a little. “Yes.” James laughed. Twisting her hands, Lily added, “It’s more than just that, though. It… _hurt_. Losing someone you used to trust.”

            “I can understand that,” said James slowly.

            “Sometimes it’s a bit lonely.”

            James looked surprised. “How? You’ve got tons of friends. Everyone in the school loves you!”

            Lily gave a completely unhappy laugh. “That’s not the same. Haven’t you ever felt just…misunderstood by everyone?”

            “No,” said James.

            “Right,” muttered Lily. “Of course not. But for the rest of us mortals, sometimes we can be surrounded by friends and feel like no one is actually there for us. Or like even if they do care, they still don’t understand what you’re saying.”

            “Huh,” said James. “So you’re saying that Mary and Eleanor and them aren’t actually your friends --”

            “Oh no. I’m not _that_ melodramatic,” said Lily. “I just…I don’t have a best friend anymore, I guess.”

            “Huh,” said James again.

            Neither of them had anything to say after that. Lily was so caught up in her thoughts that she hardly noticed he was there. She hugged her stomach, not sure if she felt sick because the memory of Severus Snape still hurt or because she was ashamed that it did. This was why she didn’t talk about it, she reminded herself. She was a strong, independent woman. She didn’t need other people to validate her. But now a small voice inside of her whispered that it would be nice if someone did.

            Which got her angry with James all over again for no other reason than there was no way he understood her. He’d been surrounded by people who loved him and followed him since the day he was born, and if that wasn’t enough, he had such a tight-knit gang that they even had their own name: the Marauders.

            So maybe she was a little jealous. Okay, a lot jealous. It just seemed so unfair that he was able to attract such loyalty and still be -- well, James Potter. What did he do to deserve it? And then she wondered if he had some special talent. That she didn’t.

            The horrible knot in Lily’s stomach wouldn’t go away and neither would the tension between herself and James. They weren’t shouting at each other anymore. That high voltage was gone. It’s its place was a low-lying buzz between them that Lily couldn’t quite describe but that set her teeth on edge. The only comfort she could draw was that James didn’t look happy either. But even that, frustratingly, was full of conflicted emotions too.

            After barely a quarter of an hour, James suggested they finish up. They weren’t even halfway through a normal patrol, but Lily didn’t protest. They arrived at the portrait of the Fat Lady extremely early; the Gryffindor common room was still bursting with students. Lily headed immediately for bed. She was halfway up the girl’s staircase when -- 

            “Lily?”

            She turned around, surprised to hear James addressing her by her first name. He was standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking nervous and uncertain and completely unlike himself.

            Lily stepped back down the stairs until they were at eye level. “Yeah?”

            James wouldn’t quite look at her and instead talked to her elbow. “I just – I’m not sure if you want to hear this,” he stumbled. “But I wanted to say -- I’m sorry you lost a friend.”

            He met her eyes, and sincerity rang from his expression. “Me too,” said Lily quietly. She left back up the stairs.

            Lily wasn’t sure what happened then – she wasn’t even sure that anything happened – but from that point on, James Potter was her friend.


	5. Article Four, Clause Six

Of course, being friends with James Potter didn’t mean he wasn’t obnoxious. He was still plenty obnoxious. But something had changed between them -- or maybe, though Lily hated to admit it, something had changed inside her. She tried not to think about it. She didn’t want her relationship with James to be changing. But sometimes when he gave her that huge, obnoxious smirk in the hallways, she couldn’t help grinning back just a little. More and more she found that the hard ball of anger that she had always been able to conjure up around James wasn’t so hard or angry anymore. Though she still refused to laugh at his stupid jokes.

            Thanks to a “Quidditch emergency” that James tried and failed to explain to Lily (What did it matter that Ravenclaw had a new beater? Wasn’t it all the same game anyway?), the next time that the Heads patrolled together was over a week and a half later. Perhaps Lily had thought that the extra time would make it easier when they had to be in close proximity, but she soon she decided she had been wrong there.

            James skidded into the prefect conference room. “I’m on time!” he said, pointing to the clock.

            “No, you’re not --” Lily saw the minute hand just tick past the hour. “Fine. You’re on time.”

            “Great,” said James. “Where are we going today?”

            What followed were the most awkward ten minutes they had ever had. James asked questions, but they were all questions like, “How are you?” and “Have you done the Charms homework?” and not at all like the James Potter flavor she was used to. As for Lily, she was becoming more and more distracted by the dreadful knot in her stomach. Something was wrong between them. There was something she was supposed to do. Lily knew it, her stomach knew it, but she didn’t know what it was. The more she thought about it, the tighter her stomach knotted. She answered James, but only with half a mind on what she was saying.

            “Evans,” said James finally. “Are you all right?”

            “Yeah,” said Lily automatically.

            “You sure? You just seem…a little out of it.”

            “I’m fine,” said Lily, trying to force herself back into the present. She looked at James and tried to put on a smile. “Really. What’s your next question?”

            James didn’t fire back immediately. “If there’s something else you’d rather talk about…”

            “Nope, it’s all good.” Lily did her best to sound bright and cheery.

            She must have failed because James kept studying her with the strangest look on his face. “Do you mean that, or are you just playing along, hoping I’ll shut up?”

            That was the strangest thing to hear because before now, there had been plenty of times that Lily had wanted nothing more than for him to shut up and James hadn’t cared one bit. It was almost like James was being cautious.

            Lily looked at James, actually taking in what she saw this time. James _was_ being cautious. Obviously, James being cautious was about normal operating procedure for anyone else, but he was clearly trying hard not to offend her. His concern, the ordinary questions – he even showed up on time. And as Lily realized why he was being so careful, she also realized why she stomach was so knotted.

            “You’re just waiting for me to blow up again, aren’t you?”

            “What?” said James.

            “You’re afraid I’m going to start yelling at you as soon as you do anything wrong,” said Lily. “Like last time.”

            “What? Nah,” said James. “Of course not.”

            Apparently, Lily wasn’t the only one who could lie ineffectively.

            Lily put her hands on her hips, thinking how ironic it was that most arrogant she had seen James in a long while was when she _knew_ he was vulnerable. And that served to remind her, yet again, of why she felt so guilty. Lily sighed.

            “Look,” she said. “I think -- I mean, I want --” Wow, these words were hard to get out. “I should apologize for last time,” she said in a rush.

            “Evans,” said James. “Did you just say the word ‘apologize’?”

            If he was smirking, Lily was going to hex him. She glanced up. He was half grinning. Half hex him? No, she needed to get this out.

            “I…wasn’t quite myself,” said Lily. “I said some pretty harsh things --”

            “That you absolutely meant,” said James.

            “I --”

            “And you’d say them all again if it happened again.”

            “Not so loudly!”

            James started laughing. “Not so loudly?”

            Lily blushed furiously. This wasn’t going right at all. She wanted to sink away and pretend this conversation never happened. Though a small part of her was more in favor of cursing him.

            “Hey,” James said, bumping her shoulder. “I get it, okay? You don’t need to apologize.”

            “But I --”

            “Told me the truth that I didn’t want to hear?” finished James. “Yeah, you have a habit of doing that, Evans.”

            Lily didn’t know what to say. She studied James, not sure what to make of him right now. He didn’t look happy, though he was giving her a one-sided smile. It was almost as if he was trying to wear his arrogance like he always did but putting the pieces on all wrong.

            James ran a hand through his hair, making it even messier. It was his characteristic “cool” move, but now it felt more like a nervous habit. “I’m not going to do it again,” he said, looking at the ceiling.

            “Um,” said Lily. “Not going to do what?”

            “C’mon, you know,” said James. “Public humiliation. Bullying.”

            Lily blinked. “Really. You’re just going to quit.”

            “Yes.”

            “Even Snape?”

            “ _Yes_ ,” said James. “And it’s not like this is a totally new idea!” he added emphatically. “I’ve been a lot better, haven’t I?”

            It took Lily a little while to process it, but she realized that yes, James had been better lately. Now she thought about it, that instance with Snape was the only wildly inappropriate thing he’d done since becoming Head Boy, as long as you didn’t count all the trouble he got into with the Marauders. He didn’t hex people in the halls just for fun anymore, and his former cruelty had practically vanished. His pranks now were _funny_.

            “Anyway,” said James. “What you said was right. You don’t need to say you’re sorry for it.”

            “Well,” said Lily after a moment of silence. “Then, I guess I should thank you.”

            “Thank me?”

            “Yeah. For, you know, listening to me. About -- things.”

            James sighed. “I didn’t really do such a good job at that.”

            “But you did,” insisted Lily. “By the end, at least.”

            Shaking his head, James said, “I don’t really agree with you, but if you’re going to thank me, I’m not going to stop you.”

            “All right, then. Thank you.”

            “You’re welcome.”

            Neither of them know what to say after that. They just kept walking the hallways, feeling awkward. Finally, Lily said, “So?”

            “What?” said James.

            “Don’t you have any of your unlimited questions to throw at me?”

            James shrugged. “I don’t know. Don’t you want to chose the topic this time?”

            “Um, okay,” said Lily. “But, honestly, I don’t have anything that interesting…”

            “Sure you do. Go for it.”

            “Er… Did you get what McGonagall was talking about in class today?”

            “You’re kidding!”

            “I told you I didn’t have anything interesting!” said Lily. “But really, did you get it? Because I really didn’t understand what she meant about the connection between self-transfiguration and cross-species transfiguration. Did she just mean the similarity in spell wording or…?”

            “Are you serious right now?” said James. “This is what you want to talk about?”

            “I really don’t get it at all!”

            “Fine. Transfiguration it is!” James put his hands in the air as if spreading an imaginary banner. “Part one: How do cross-species and self transfiguration relate? James Potter explains it all!” 

* * *

James was surprising good explaining Transfiguration. He was also extremely enthusiastic about Animagi for some reason Lily couldn’t fathom. All the same, Lily thought she might actually go to him for all her Transfiguration questions -- if it weren’t for her pride. It was a pity that James was never to be seen actually doing homework so she couldn’t casually join him. 

* * *

“What’s the Marauder’s Handbook?” Lily wondered aloud the next time they met.

            James’s eyebrows shot up. “How’d you find out about that?”

            Lily rolled her eyes. “How could I not? You and Black were bickering about it like an old couple!”

            “We were not!”

            “Fine. Like two-year-olds. Didn’t your bag end up in the fire at some point?”

            “That was Wormtail’s.”

            “Even better,” muttered Lily. “So, about the Handbook?”

            “It’s the instruction manual for a proper life as a Marauder,” said James seriously.

            Lily snorted.

            “This is serious!” cried James. “Anyone found violating the Handbook is excommunicated until he completes the required repentance process!”

            Lily was finding it very hard not to start laughing. “And what on earth is _in_ the Marauder’s Handbook?”

            “The basic laws of being a Marauder!” recited James. “Every Marauder shall be actively engaged in promoting mischief. No Marauder shall disclose Marauder secrets to non-Marauders. No Marauder shall be seen doing homework or anything like unto it in public except for Moony, who is just weird like that and is kindly asked to keep his productivity to a minimum.”

            “So you couldn’t keep the basic rules like curfew,” said Lily, struggling to control her laughter, “so you had to make up your own?”

            “These laws are self evident!”

            Lily shoved her fist in her mouth to hold back a surge of giggles. Finally, she was able to choke out, “How did this all start?”

            “Padfoot kept on ditching out on Marauder activities for snogging! And Wormtail kept telling our plans to people like you -- No offense.”

            “Not offended. Keep going.”

            “We had to put our foot down. So we wrote the Handbook. Don’t listen if Padfoot tells you it was his idea,” added James fiercely. “He just coined the term. And he’s completely wrong about me being in violation of article four, clause six.”

            “What’s article four, clause six?”

            James flashed a smile. “Sorry, Evans, that’s a level five non-disclosable information.” 

* * *

One week later. “I found out article-clause what’s-it-called is of the Marauder Handbook,” said Lily.

            “You don’t even remember what article it is! How could you --?”

            “‘No Marauder shall under any circumstance make a fool of himself before a girl,’” quoted Lily, grinning. “I asked Remus what law you were in violation of.”

            “Curse you, Moony! You’re supposed to be on my side!”

            Lily let out a giggle. Trying, but immediately failing, to keep a straight face, she said, “Well, I have a question.”

            “Oh great,” said James.

            “It’s a good one! Does that law apply to making a fool of yourself in general in front of a girl or just making of fool of yourself _because_ of the girl? Because if it’s just making a fool of yourself because of a girl, you can tell Black and all them that I don’t think that you’re in violate of the law at all.” Lily grin grew huge. “You make a fool of yourself all the time, Potter. Girls have nothing to do with it.”

            “Thanks, Evans.”

* * *

Lily started brushing up before going to Head duties with James. She told herself it was because no one looked presentable after a long day and she needed to smooth out her hair. If she did do her make up a little nicer, it was because she had more time in the evenings than in the morning. She didn’t ask herself why she started caring about this now or only on particular nights. She just liked looking nice, she told her dorm-mates when they asked. It certainly didn’t have anything to do with _him_. 

* * *

“Hey, Potter,” said Lily one evening. “How are you?”

            James stared at her.

            “What?”

            “Is that a trick question?” said James.

            “No,” said Lily. “Why would that be a trick?”

            James raised his eyebrows. “Because I thought we made a deal where I’m not allowed to talk about myself. And you just very clearly asked me about myself.”

            “Really,” said Lily. “That doesn’t count. You can answer a simple ‘How are you.’”

            “That caveat was not in the original wording.”

            “Apparently you are feeling snarky today. How nice. Are you always going to be making me regret my words?” 

* * *

Lily couldn’t deny it any longer: she looked forward to her nights with James Potter. He was as much an idiot as ever, they argued most the time, but Lily always seemed to come back laughing. Sometimes, very rarely, they talked about something practical like classes, the war. Once or twice, when they felt deep and philosophical, they talked about friendships or family. Most the time, though, flew off in the weirdest directions.

* * *

“Green eye shadow is just silly. It doesn’t look good on anyone.”

            “Isn’t all eye shadow some sort of crazy?”

            “It’s pretty. And it makes your eyes pop.”

            “Okay, yes, but where’d the idea come from? Oh, here’s some unnatural colored stuff, let’s put it on my face! How about around my eye?” 

* * *

“Ug, no. I really don’t like fish.”

            “What’s wrong with fish?”

            “They’re all slimy and --”

            “Fish aren’t slimy. They’re covered in the water. Are you saying you’re afraid of water?”

            “They’ve got those awful big eyes, too. You think they look innocent, but if you see one face on, it looks like its ready to come kill you.”

            “Fish don’t even have expressions, Evans!”

            “That’s what makes them scary! You can’t see what they’re thinking!” 

* * *

“No, no, no! You can’t tell that story.”

            “Why not?”

            “Because, Potter, it is obviously about yourself.”

            “Well, now, that would be a problem it the story were about me, but as it happens, it is not. It’s about Sirius Black and his incredibly awesome, good-looking best friend.”

            “Change that to incredibly ridiculous, and I’ll let it slide.” 

* * *

In her head, Lily began separating between Potter and James. Potter was thoughtless, arrogant, and immature. She still yelled at Potter sometimes. James was different. James would make an absolute fool of himself to make her laugh. James listened to her when she wanted to be serious and teased her out of a funk. Potter thought he was better than everyone else. James was cocky and confident, but sometimes she thought his most arrogant moments were actually all a joke. Potter she would never date if he were the last man on earth. But James… Well. Last man on earth was a little extreme, wasn’t it?


	6. Crossed Lines

“This is completely unacceptable behavior,” said Lily, hands on her hips, looking sternly down into the eyes of three second-years shivering in a foot of snow. “The Forbidden Forest is off limits at all times, _especially_ at night. It is extremely dangerous!” Lily glanced at her partner for support.

            “Yeah, very dangerous,” agreed James, leaning casually against a tree trunk. “You never know. You might run into a rule-stickler Head Girl.”

            She should have known he wouldn’t help. The two boys and a girl snickered.

            With great difficultly, Lily remained professional. “I’m taking twenty points from Hufflepuff. Each. If you go straight back to your dormitories, I won’t give you detentions.”

            As soon as they were out of earshot, Lily rounded on James. “What was that for?”

            James gave her his completely fake innocent face. “Weren’t you looking for terrifying things that could show up in the Forbidden Forest?”

            Lily’s mouth dropped open. Remembering that James just laughed whenever she rebuked him, she kept back an outraged retort and stomped back away. The snow burned the bare skin above her ankles, and her toes were going numb. She definitely wore the wrong shoes for this.

            “Hey. Hey!” James grabbed her shoulder, and an uncomfortable thrill ran through her. “I didn’t mean to insult you!”

            Lily rolled her eyes. “As if,” she said, shrugging her shoulder out of his grasp. The discomfort was gone, but now she was even colder.

            “I didn’t! At least, not in a mean way!” said James.

            “Whatever you say, Potter.” Lily hugged her shivering arms and kept going.

            “I said I’m sorry!”

            He hadn’t, actually, but Lily sighed and stopped anyway. “I know. But I just want to get back inside as soon as possible. I’m freezing.”

            James’s cheerful smirk popped back on. “Well, that’s what happens when you going running out into the snow without a cloak on.”

            “I had to! Those students were heading right for the Forbidden Forest!”

            “Yeah, but…” said James. “This isn’t even the dangerous section of the Forbidden Forest.”

            “ _All_ of the Forbidden Forest is out of bounds.”

            James looked like he was struggling within himself.

            “That means you aren’t supposed to go in there.”

            “I know what out of bounds means!”

            Lily raised her eyebrows but decided there was no point in arguing further. Besides, her teeth were starting to chatter.

            “Cold, Evans?” James slung an arm around her shoulders. Lily jumped.

            “Potter!” she shrieked.

            James laughed. “Just being chivalrous and helping a girl out.”

            “That’s not very unhelpful -- not helpful -- I mean --” Lily fought her way free, unreasonably flustered for some reason. James had helped in one way at least: her cheeks were burning. “Chivalry is giving a woman your cloak! Not --” Lily gestured wordlessly.

            “This?” supplied James.

             “Yes, sure,” said Lily. James was smirking and definitely making fun of her, and why was she rattled right now? She walked away quickly.

            “Here,” said James, and he pulled something over her head.

            “What are you doing!” Lily reached up and yanked off -- a knitted hat. Completely ordinary besides the fact that it was bright orange. “What?”

            “You said you were freezing.”

            “It’s hideous.”

            “I’m trying to be kind, and you call my hat hideous!” cried James, but Lily knew him well enough now to know when he was faking outrage.

            “You’re top of the class in Transfiguration! If you want thanks, don’t choose a color that clashes with my hair!”

            “All about your hair. Vain much, Evans?”

            Lily made to cram the hat on James, preferably over his eyes, but she was too short and his reflexes were too fast. He caught her wrists, laughing, and easily pulled the wild orange thing out of her hands.

            “Okay, let go, Potter.”

            James didn’t immediately comply. He cocked an eyebrow. “Only if you agree to wear the hat.”

            “Make it a decent color first.” It was hard to make her voice sufficiently stubborn when her heart was pounding this hard.

            “Fine, fine.” James let go. With a flick of his wand, he changed the color.

            “Pink?” groaned Lily. “That’s not any better.”

            “You have self-image issues,” said James, tugging the hat onto her head again. His fingers brushed her hair. “You look great.”

            Lily’s stomach fluttered. But James Potter was a flirt who got way too much pleasure from making her blush. He didn’t mean it.

            “Let’s get back to the castle,” she said sharply. She needed to stop this. Now. They had system: James was intentionally annoying but occasionally funny. Lily was bossy and rule abiding and did all she could not to laugh. They argued their guts out. Touching was not supposed to be a part of that system. Her stomach doing back flips when they touched was _definitely_ not.

            But she did tug the pink hat better over her ears, and she didn’t get rid of it when she went to bed. 

* * *

By this time, spending time with James wasn’t unusual whether in relation to Head duties or not. They were together in the Gryffindor common room so much that it continuing to meet in the prefect conference room was beginning to seem a little ridiculous. But James had pointed it out one day and teased her about it, so now nothing was going to make Lily change it. Besides, Lily had said, it gave him an excuse for being late, which James continued to be even when Lily threatened to drag him out of his chair. When they weren’t patrolling together, James would occasionally give long discourses on Quidditch that Lily knew were just for her benefit. She did her best to retaliate by forcing him to do his homework at a reasonable hour of the day. Lily wasn’t sure she could remember the last time she had laughed – or argued – so much. She liked it.

            And yet… she couldn’t dislodge the feeling that there was something inherently unstable in their relationship. Someday, this precarious balance was going to crumble, and Lily didn’t know where they’d be when it fell. 

* * *

“Potter,” said Lily one evening in a business-like tone. “I have a question for you.”

            “Why?” James immediately fixed her with a suspicious look. “If you’ve got a problem with the fireworks and Silva Briar today, that is completely ridiculous because it was it was just a joke and she even _said_ it was funny so you can’t say --”

            “Potter, I --” Lily rolled her eyes. “I forgot you even did that today.”

            “Oh,” said James. “Really? You don’t have a problem with that?”

            “Do you _want_ me to have a problem with it?”

            “No!” James cried. “I’m just saying your acting out of character!”

            “Oh, shut up!” said Lily, but she had to work to keep a smile down. She tugged at her hair, waiting for that self-satisfied smirk to fade from James’s face. Of course, it didn’t. Sighing, Lily said, “Can we get back to the subject at hand?”

            James waved his hand in a “Go on” sort of way.

            “It’s a hypothetical question,” said Lily quickly. She took a deep breath -- and then, looking at James, realized that she really didn’t want to do this after all. She shut her mouth and didn’t say anything.

            “Well,” said James after a minute. “I would have thought this was obvious, Evans, but I can’t read your mind.”

            Lily laughed a little, her face red. She had to pull herself together, though. Her pride demanded at least that much. “So say --what if one of you friends was dating someone who, well, who you didn’t like every much. What would you do?”

            James snickered. “You all ready know that! I’d interrupt them in the most embarrassing way possible.”

            “That’s --”  Lily had to smile. “Okay, yeah, that’s exactly what you’d do. But you just enjoy irritating Sirius in general.”

            “It’s a mutual relationship.” James gave Lily his exaggerated cocked-eyebrow. It was actually kind of funny.

            “Fine, yes. But… Okay, I asked the question wrong.” Lily twisted her hands. “I mean what if your friend is dating some you don’t like – someone you know isn’t good for them. And your afraid they’re going to get hurt.”

            “This is starting to sound less and less hypothetical,” said James.

            “I’m not going to tell you who it is! But I’m worried about her, and she won’t listen when I hint, and I’m afraid our friendship will be ruined if I come out and say it clearly.”

            “Yeah, definitely not hypothetical,” said James. He ran a hand backwards through his hair. Since his hair already look like it had come out of a battle with a cat, it didn’t make much of a difference. Yet again, Lily found herself thinking he didn’t mess up his hair for looks. Instead, he was frowning into space. “Why are you asking me?” he said.

            “What do you mean?”

            “ _Well_ ,” said James like is should be obvious. “It sounds almost like you asking for advise. And, to put is simply, you think I’m an idiot.”

            Lily flushed. “You do act like one a lot!”

            “Exactly my point. Why are you asking me for advise then?”

            “Well… that’s --” Lily’s cheeks were growing hotter by the minute. “I suppose because you’re good at it.”

            “Evans, are you sure you didn’t hit your head just a minute ago? Because you’re not making any sense.”

            “Ugh! I mean at friendship. You know…” Lily ran her hands over her burning cheeks. James was still staring at her. “Look at you and your Marauders. It’s obvious what close friends you are. And you’re obviously a big part of that.”

            James seemed to be growing taller, a grin forming on his face, but still his eyes stayed cautious. “So…?”

            “You’re good at being a friend,” said Lily, a little amazed how long it was taking James to get this. “You make is clear that your friends are important to you and that you care about them. You make them feel valued. You know how to listen and how to make them listen to you. It’s a talent you have.”

             “You think that, eh, Evans?”

            “Well, yes,” said Lily. “I mean,” she added, feeling the need to justify herself. “I’ve seen it. You and I are friends, aren’t we?”

            Something in James seemed to deflate a little. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I guess we are.”

            “So,” said Lily, feeling a little mystified. “I’m just saying you’ve been a good friend to me.”

            Did James just wince? “Yeah, well… Thanks, Evans.” He seemed to pull on his smirk with some effort. “Aren’t you worried that that compliment is going to go to my head?”

            “I think one compliment in six years shouldn’t do too much damage,” said Lily

            James didn’t laugh or say anything. He smiled a little, but something about his expression was off. Lily had no idea what had happened. They fell into an awkward silence.

            Finally, James said, “Maybe you should just tell her what you told me.”

            “What?”

            “You know, this ‘hypothetical’ friend,” said James. “Just tell her flat out that her boyfriend isn’t good for her.”

            “But I don’t want to offend her!”

            “Then don’t make a big deal about it. Just go, Hey, mate, I think that boy you’re seeing is an idiot. Pass the marmalade.”

            “And you think she’s going to listen to that?”

            “Isn’t the whole problem that you don’t think she’s going to listen to you regardless?”

            Lily blinked. She couldn’t say he was wrong.

            “There you go,” said James. “If she’s not going to listen anyway, might as well just throw it out there and keep your relationship it tact. Someday, she’ll realize you’re right and you won’t have to have a blow up.”

            Lily wrinkled her nose. “Girls aren’t that simple.”

            “Well, that’s what you get for asking me for advice.”

            After a moment of thought, Lily said, “Is that what you would do for one of your friends? Not Black, obviously,” she added quickly. “But what about Remus? Is that how you’d tell him?”

            “Of course not!” laughed James. “I’d chuck a pillow at him and tell him to man up. But, like you said, girls aren’t that simple.” 

* * *

When Lily noticed what color his eyes were, she realized she was in deep trouble.

            James was in the middle of a long, intense story about the Marauders in their fourth year. Pretty much, he was talking about himself – and Quidditch for that matter. But the way his face lit up and the way he talked with his hands far too much when he got excited was cute and funny, so Lily let him go. He was at the point where his hands were literally trembling he was so excited. He stepped into a pool of light, his eyes open as wide as they could go, and Lily just…noticed.

            His eyes weren’t brown. Lily had always assumed they were, but they weren’t. They were hazel. _Amazing hazel,_ she thought dreamily.

            “It was hilarious, Evans!” said James. “Why aren’t you laughing?”

            Lily went bright red. “Must have missed it.”

            She immediately chided herself. She didn’t even _like_ hazel eyes. She preferred solid colors like blue or green.

            _Get a grip, Lily,_ she thought. _Keep this up, and next thing you know, you’ll swooning over his hair. You are_ not _falling in love with him!_  

* * *

Sometimes, when James ran his hands through his extremely untidy hair, Lily got jealous. 

* * *

“Sure, whatever you say, James,” said Lily, rounding a corner. Behind her, there was a loud _thump_.

            “Ow!”

            “What happened?” Lily whirled around to see James massaging his head. He appeared to have run right into the wall, but instead of wincing, he was staring at her. “What?”

            “You just -- That’s the first time you’ve called me by my Christian name.”

            “It can’t be.”

            “Yeah, it is,” said James.

            “Oh.” Lily wished she had some way to keep the embarrassment off her face in James’s presence. “Guess it’s a good thing I haven’t made a habit of it, if it makes you run into walls.”

            “Shut up, Evans,” snapped James. If she wasn’t mistaken, he was blushing. 

* * *

Their last patrol in December was tinged with an undercurrent tension that Lily would love to say didn’t come from being with a funny, witty, goofy boy who she found unreasonably attractive – but that would be a lie. Still, Lily worked to keep her hands firmly in her pockets and her conversation as cheery and unconcerned as possible. It _was_ fun. James pulled out fresh Honeydukes chocolates – Lily decided not to ask how he got them – and they talked about the upcoming break and their Christmas traditions. Lily was fairly sure that James was making up at least half of his (Who decorates their house with glowing gnomes anyway?), but he said it all so seriously combined with that trademark smirk that it was hard to tell. By the end, Lily was light-headed from laughter.

            “Evans,” said James, catching her arm just before the portrait hole, “I have something for you.” His eyes were mischievous, and he held one hand behind his back.

            Lily folded her arms. “Why would you have anything for me?”

            “It’s Christmas, silly,” said James, hitting her lightly in the arm. “What do you think it is?” He shifted so that they were unusually – uncomfortably – close to each other.

            _Mistletoe_ , thought Lily immediately. As if he could read her mind, James’s smirk broadened. _No, he wouldn’t dare._ But this was James Potter. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t dare do. Her heart started pounding.

            “Better close your eyes,” said James.

            “I will not!”

            “C’mon. I promise you’ll be fine.”

            _James Potter, if you pull out mistletoe, I’ll hex you._ James moved like he was going to throw, Lily reflexively closed her eyes --

            And something cold hit her in the face.

            Lily jumped and spluttered. “A snowball?!?”

            James burst out laughing. “Merry Christmas, Evans,” he said, rubbing snow into her hair.

            “Argh! Stop it!” laughed Lily. “How did you even get a snowball?”

            “A Marauder never reveals his secrets,” smirked James.

            “You’re insufferable.” Lily quickly dusted snow chunks off her shoulder. She glanced at her hands. “And -- Is there glitter in this? Do you know how long it takes to get glitter out?”

            “Unfortunately, yes,” said James. “Padfoot’s fault.”

            Lily rolled her eyes. “Idiot.” She took some remaining snow and smeared on James’s face.

            “Hey!” James laughed. He caught her hands and forced them down. At Lily’s scowl, he started laughing again. Lily had to grin back.

            “You’re lucky it’s Christmas, Potter. Otherwise, I’d have to jinx you.”

            Just as Lily had expected, James only laughed. “Have a good Christmas, Evans,” he said, giving her a quick, one-armed hug. With a wink, he left.

            “Stupid, obnoxious dork,” muttered Lily. She was smiling.

            But as she went up to her bed, Lily couldn’t stop a slow, sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. For some reason, she kept thinking back to that moment she was sure James was going to pull out mistletoe.

            _What’s wrong with you, Lily?_ she thought irritably. _You didn’t_ want _him to kiss you, did you?_

            But looking at her reflection in the dormitory window, Lily couldn’t lie to herself anymore.

_Yes. Yes, I did._


	7. Failed Expectations

Christmas break was good because it was a well-deserved rest from schoolwork, drama, stress – and a certain messy-haired, obnoxious Head Boy.

            It was horrible because she missed that stupid Head Boy. 

* * *

Lily _loved_ Christmas. No homework, no schedule, just a time for baking sugar cookies with her mother, wearing warm, oversized sweaters while sipping hot chocolate, and wishing “Merry Christmas” to strangers on the street.

            It was also time to deal with her sister Petunia and her boyfriend Vernon Dursley, which sort of threw a wrench into the whole Christmas cheer thing. It was just about then that she started missing James. In her very least charitable moments, Lily wished for someone to whom she could whisper snarky remarks without getting the sharp “ _Lily!_ ” that always came from her mother. Mostly, though, she missed the way James brought life and energy to everything, his loud and enthusiastic laugh, and the way she always felt completely comfortable being just _herself_ when she was around him -- the complete opposite of how she felt around Vernon Dursley. At the very least, his presence would be a good distraction.

            In the back of her mind, Lily remembered that James had once mentioned keeping in touch over break and was inordinately aware of every day he had still not written her. There was nothing to say _he_ had to be the one to owl her first. But…

            Lily did go so far as to draw a picture of a walrus. She had labeled it “True to life portrait of Vernon Dursley, boyfriend of my sister” and had even signed it when she remembered that James had a certain flair for artistic talent himself. She had seen enough of the margins of his notes to know that his drawings were more than idle doodles (Was there anything he wasn’t unfairly good at?), and suddenly her own drawing seemed sub par. She shoved it under some papers on her desk. Surely James wouldn’t care much for it. She didn’t even know how to address it anyway. Potter? James? Was she supposed to add a letter, too? Better just to leave it. In any case, her owl was tired.

            James didn’t write.

            If Christmas break was good for anything, it was making it clear to Lily what she wanted out of James Potter. Perhaps distance really did make the heart grow stronger -- though in Lily’s case, she thought it just grew less stubborn.

* * *

Lily fervently thanked her past self for scheduling the next Head patrol before getting back from break. It was the day after they arrived back at school – best to catch anyone who had forgotten the rules over Christmas right away – and she was excited to see James again. In the hustle and bustle of coming back to school and getting last minute homework done, she had barely more than waved to him.

            No longer in denial of why she wanted to look nice for Head duties, though perhaps not quite ready to admit it out loud, Lily took extra time preparing for tonight. She pulled her hair into an elegant but casual updo and put in her favorite dangly earrings. After five minutes of attempting to control flyaways and fixing minute details in her make-up, she realize she was going to be late and ran down to the prefect conference room.

            James arrived shortly after she did. He leaned against the doorframe, adjusting his glasses. “Hey.”

            “Hi,” said Lily brightly. She wondered if he would notice that she looked different or if he would comment if he did.

            He didn’t.

            _Oh._ Lily chewed the inside of her lip. “How was your break?” she said, approaching him.

            “Mm. Good.”

            Lily already had her answer ready of how her break went. She knew which stories she wanted to tell, which details she’d make him tease out of her, the way he’d laugh at her comments.

            But James didn’t ask.

            What was wrong? James was absolutely socially astute when he wanted to be. He knew full well that the polite thing to do was to ask her how her break went now. And he was _always_ asking her questions. Why was he staring at the hinges just above her in the door?

            The nervous bubbly feeling that had resided in her stomach for the past few hours dissolved leaving her feeling like she was missing some vital part in her gut.

            “Um,” she said, her voice higher than it should be. “So, uh, should we get going?”

            “Yeah. Sounds good.” James led the way.

            Lily followed, her heart pounding in the most uncomfortable way. She reached up to tug at the ends of her hair, but, of course, her hair was all pinned up. And that reminded her of her foolish expectations for tonight. Cheeks hot, she hugged herself to stop her hands from any more awkward mistakes.

            “Er…” But she literally had no idea what to say when James was quiet like this. It didn’t even feel like talking to James. “Um, you haven’t got any questions for me today?” _Why_ wouldn’t her voice sound normal? “Isn’t it… kind of a tradition?”

            “Yeah. Right,” said James. He seemed to blink extra hard and messed up his hair. “How was your Christmas?”

            But by this time the bubbles in Lily’s stomach had turned into hard, lead balls. “Oh, you know, good,” she said softly.

            “That’s good.”

            Lily opened her mouth but nothing more came out. “Ah…”

            “Er…” said James. “Did you see your sister?”

            “Yeah.”

            “How was that?”

            Lily shrugged, her eyes now trained on the ground. Her eyes prickled. How pathetic was that? She was too busy ordering herself not to break down to think of anything to say.

            “Couldn’t have been worse than Head duties.”

            Might as well have thrown a bowling ball into her stomach. Lily took a sharp intake of breath.

            James stared at her, and suddenly his eyebrows shot up. “Oh no! Evans, I didn’t mean it like that! I swear -- I didn’t mean --” His hand jumped to his hair. “I’m sorry. I just -- today -- Sorry.”

            Lily did her best to smile. “It’s all right.”

            James ran both hands through his hair. It looked messier that Lily had seen it in a long time. He gave her a crooked smile. “Sorry. You’re probably thinking I’m a big prat right now.”

            That was…surprisingly not arrogant. And even though Lily had come to see that most of James’s arrogance was actually confidence combined with a good sense of humor, she had come to expect that humor. This was… Well, not very much like James at all.

            Lily gave him a closer look and realized that his smile didn’t reach his eyes. In fact, he looked much more like he was trying very hard to appear casual and carefree -- and not succeeding at all.

            “Are you all right?”

            “What?”

            “Are you all right?” repeated Lily more earnestly.

            “Yeah. ‘Course I am,” said James too quickly. Lily didn’t buy it.

            “What’s wrong?”

            “Nothing.” Catching Lily’s unbelieving face, he added, “Nothing big.”

            Lily frowned. “We’re friends, aren’t we? You should tell me what’s wrong.”

            “It’s nothing…”

            “Did something go wrong during your break? Is everyone all right?”

            “Evans,” said James with a bit of an ironic smile. “Didn’t we agree that I’m not allowed to talk about myself during these things?”

            “Oh, forget that,” said Lily. “There are some things that are more important than rules.”

            A beat.

            “See! You didn’t even make an ‘Evans, you just discounted rules’ comment! What’s _wrong_?”

            “Look,” said James. “I know you just…”

            “I _care_ ,” said Lily. “You’re my friend. I want to hear what’s troubling you. Tell me!”

            James looked down, messing with his hair again.

            Finally, Lily’s brain caught up with her mouth. She went pink. “Of course, you don’t have to tell me if – if you don’t want to.”

            James gave her a careful look and then looked straight forward. “Do you…know about my mum?”

            “No,” said Lily surprised. “Why?”

            “She’s really nice. Just…sweet,” said James. “She loves planning social events, she practically _smoothers_ my friends when they come over, and she is always trying to pull gossip out of me when I’m home. I still love her,” he added quickly.

            “Of course,” said Lily. She had no idea where this was leading.

            “She and Dad could never really do the discipline thing, though,” James muttered.

            Lily shifted uncomfortably. “I’m sure that they still…” she began.

            “Yeah. Of course,” said James. Lily wondered what they had just agreed on. James’s eyebrows were pulled together. He seemed to struggle inside of himself for a moment, then blurted out, “She had cancer.”

             “Cancer?” repeated Lily. “That’s a Muggle illness!”

            “Yes,” said James. “But wizards have it, too. We didn’t bother to rename it.”

            “So you must have a cure for it!” said Lily hopefully.

            James winced. “Muggle cancer, maybe. But wizarding cancer is… No, we don’t have a good cure.”

            “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to --”

            “It’s fine. It’s -- it’s not that there’s _no_ cure. We just don’t have a really, you know, consistent one.”

            “Oh,” said Lily softly. “Is your mum --?”

            “She was diagnosed last year,” said James, and Lily couldn’t tell if that was what he thought she was asking or if he was avoiding the question all together. She had meant to ask if she was all right.

            But the timing reminded her of something. “What month?”

            “November.”

            “Was that the time you almost got banned from the Quidditch match because you racked up nine detentions in one week?”

            James’s lips came together unhappily. “Maybe I didn’t handle the news in the best way.”

            “I’m sorry,” began Lily.

            “It wasn’t your fault!”

            “Yes, but -- I didn’t know. And I’m sure I yelled at you that week. And later --”

            James waved her apology away. “Everyone was yelling at me that week. Deserved it.” He scowled. “It was all that got through.”

            “That’s not your fault,” whispered Lily.

            James seemed not to hear her. “Wasted effort, really. After a few months, she was in remission. You know, cured as long as it didn’t come back.”

            “Well, that’s good,” said Lily. She watched James, scuffing his toes as he walked, and she understood. “But it did come back, didn’t it?”

            “Yes.”

            “When?”

            “Sometime -- sometime at the start of the school year.”

            “Why didn’t you tell me!” demanded Lily, entirely forgetting that they weren’t friends at the time.

            “I didn’t know!” shouted James, and slowly, it dawned on Lily what was wrong.

            She waited until she was sure James didn’t have anything more to say before saying gently, “Your parents didn’t tell you? When did you find out?”

            “Over break,” sighed James. “When I noticed something was wrong and confronted them about it.”

            “Oh.”

            “I know, right!” said James angrily. “How stupid do they think I am? Did they expect me not to notice _anything_?”

            “I’m sure they know that you’re not stupid…”

            “It’s my mother! Of course I’d notice if she’s not all right! Isn’t it my right to know? How long were they expecting to just not tell me?”

            “They were probably just trying to protect you…”

            “I don’t need to be protected! I’m not a child! No, Evans, don’t say that I am! I’m not! I can deal with it!”

            “I --” blinked Lily. “That wasn’t what I was going to say.”

            “Well, good.”

             They were quiet for a time.

             “I was going to say that parents always have a hard time accepting their children growing up,” said Lily softly. “It isn’t anything about you.”

            James shoved his hands in his pocket, his anger suddenly gone. “Isn’t it, though?” he muttered.

            Lily frowned, and James caught her expression.

            “Oh, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about, Evans,” he said. “You know better than anyone.”

            “But I really don’t,” said Lily.

            James raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you? Aren’t you the one who coined the term ‘arrogant, bullying, toe-rag’?” At Lily’s shocked expression, he ran his hands over his face. “Sorry,” he muttered. “But don’t you see?”

            Lily shook her head.

            “My mother could have died -- could still die -- and what am I? Some idiot son whose only talent is in Quidditch and getting detentions! Some son she’s so worried about that she won’t even tell me she’s ill because she’s afraid I’ll fly off the handle again! That’s it! Seventeen years, and that’s all I have to show. My parents are probably thinking why did we even bother to have a son? He’s a nightmare!”

            Lily reached out to touch his arm. “ _James._ Don’t talk like that. That’s not true.”

            “Maybe you’re right,” said James. “Maybe my parents have always had such a delusional image of me that they can’t see who I am. They keep denying it. They don’t see that I’m a…self-absorbed idiot or --”

            “Stop using my words!”

            “But they’re true! You’re right, you’ve always been right. You’ve always been able to see exactly what’s wrong with me. You know I’m nothing more than --”

            “No,” said Lily firmly. “No. Stop.” When James looked mutinous, she squeezed his arm, looking right into his hazel eyes. Her gaze had a Dumbledore-like intensity as she was seeing him, really seeing him, as she hadn’t for far too long. She took a deep breath. “Look,” said she. “You’ve done some really, _really_ dumb things in the past. No one’s going to deny that.”

            “‘Dumb’ is putting it mildly.”

            “And you feel bad about it,” said Lily, studying his face as she did, almost reading everything she said from it. “You have for a while.”

            “Yeah -- but -- Do you think that changes anything? No, listen, Evans! It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter if I _want_ to change! Because I’ve tried. And I just keep screwing up. I get nine detentions in one week or --”

            “You wanted to change?” interrupted Lily, suddenly sidetracked. “Even back then?”

            “Of course,” said James. “I mean, looking back, was there a time I was ever completely comfortable with everything I was doing? I knew, somewhere, that it was wrong. I was just really good at shutting that part of me up.”

            Lily pursed her lips.

            “What is it, Evans?”

            “I’m thinking,” she said. She reached up to twist a strand of hair that, of course, wasn’t hanging over her shoulder like usual but pinned up. She let her hand drop again, but she wasn’t embarrassed this time. “James,” she said quietly. “Just because change is hard doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.”

            “I haven’t changed at all,” muttered James.

            “Ye--” Lily changed track mid-word. “Not in essentials, no.” Seeing James about to sink further into depression, she squeezed his arm. “That’s not a bad thing, though. It’s a very, very good thing.”

            “How?”

            Lily smiled at him. “In essentials, you’re a very good person,” she said quietly, refusing to break eye contact with him.

            “I hexed and humiliated people for fun.”

            “You _used_ to hex and humiliate people for fun,” Lily pointed out. “You don’t anymore. You go out of your way to stop anyone who does. And if you want proof that you’ve changed, look at this. We’d never have this conversation if you hadn’t.”

            “Lily…” said James.

            “James, listen to me,” said Lily. “You’re a good person. If I’ve learned anything these past few months, it’s that. In fact, I think maybe I’ve always known it, and that’s what was so incredibly irritating about you.” She gave him a half smile. “I _knew_ you could be better, and you just weren’t living up to it.”

            James groaned. “Yeah, the useless waste of potential. McGonagall told us all about that.”

            “If you’re going to keep dwelling on the past, you’re not going to be happy,” said Lily flatly. “I’m sorry. But you’re going to have to look forward. Who are you going to be _now_?”

            “I don’t know! I don’t know, Evans, okay? I just -- don’t know.”

             “Who knew the great James Potter could be so down on himself,” muttered Lily. She realized she was getting angry, and that was completely unfair. She had unloaded so much onto him in the past, and she was getting angry because he was feeling remorse for what she’d wanted him to see for years.

            But then, she realized, she really didn’t want James to be down on himself. She didn’t even think he deserved it. He _had_ changed.

            Lily closed her eyes and hoped the words would come.

            “Listen,” she said, forcing her voice to be gentle. “You said I saw the truth about you. You trust my judgment?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Then listen to me now. I might have been perfectly able to see the worst in you, but I completely missed all the best. And if you think I’m not ashamed of that, then you don’t know me very well. It took being stuck with you for hours, every week, and you being incredibly patient with me for me to see any good at all.” Lily looked him in the eye. “But I can see it now. And James?” She smiled a little. “You’re kind of incredible.”

            “You don’t have to lie to make me feel better,” said James.

            “But I’m not,” said Lily. “Really. I might think you’re sometimes an idiot, but I know you’re a good person. A _really_ good person. Not just deep down on the inside somewhere. You, right here. You might have some pretty deep flaws, but your virtues are pretty dang tall, too.”

            “Who are you and what have you done with Lily Evans?”

            Lily put her hands on her hips. “I could say the same for you.”

            Slowly, James smiled. It wasn’t a happy smile, but it was a smile. Lily wished she had her mother’s gift of knowing exactly what to say. What did she say every time Lily came to her with a wild, illogical breakdown?

            “Um,” said Lily. “My mum always says things look better after you’ve had some food and gotten a good rest.”

            “You think my problem is food?” snapped James.

            “No,” said Lily quickly. “I just -- I think you’re hurting. Because of your mum. And now you’re turning that pain on yourself.” Where did those words come from? She _definitely_ didn’t have her mother’s gift.

            “James?”

            “Yeah?”

            How on earth was she suppose to make this better? Words just kept tumbling out of her mouth. “You’re a good person. It’s okay to be sad. And I want to give you a hug.”

            James’s mouth popped open. “What?”

            Lily held her arms out. James just stared at her. Staving off any sense of rejection --  _This wasn’t about her --_  she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him. For a second, James was stiff, but he relaxed and hugged her back. She hadn’t noticed until this moment how much taller than her he was. She was on her tiptoes, and her chin still didn’t make it over his shoulder. His cheek rested against her hair. He smelled wonderful.

            And then the moment was over. Lily wasn’t sure who broke it up, but suddenly the whole thing seemed awkward and they were quickly pulling apart. “Sorry,” she muttered, brushing stray hair from her eyes. “I…just wanted to make you feel better.”

            “Thanks,” said James.

            They were quite for a long while. Lily whished she could believe that his shoulders really were a little less slumped, but that was probably all useless hoping. She racked her brain, trying to think of anything she could say. She also wished she could stop thinking about what James smelled like and what, at a different time, that hug could have meant.

            “Thank you,” said James again, taking Lily completely by surprise. “For…understanding. Padfoot’s great, but he doesn’t understand how a normal family works, with his being such a mess.”

            “You’re welcome.” Lily blushed.

            “And I’m sorry,” added James. “For being a bit of a git earlier.”

            Lily rolled her eyes. “Forget it. I’m mean to you on a daily basis. It’s time we have a bit more equality in that part of our relationship.”

             “Ah, but there’s a big different between you and me.” And finally, the beginning of a smirk started to spread on James’s face. “ _You_ are cute when you’re angry.”

            Lily grinned a little. “Glad to see you’re back, Potter.”


	8. The Question

Lily tried to look stern, but it was very hard given how much she wanted to keep laughing. “But really, Sirius,” she choked out. “We have Head duties, and technically, you’re out past curfew --”

            “Out past curfew?” Sirius threw his hands over his mouth and put on a high, worried voice. “That’s never happened before! What am I going to do?”

            James doubled over laughing. Lily’s cheeks hurt from trying not to smile.

            “We’re almost to the conference room. Once we start, we’ll have to dock points if you’re still around. All right, _I_ will dock points,” she added as both James and Sirius opened their mouths.

            “Guess I can’t argue with the Head Girl,” said James. He had innocent façade, but it was pretty much destroyed by his smirk.

            “Y-You guys really don’t want me around?” Sirius’s devastated expression was lost on both James and Lily. He rolled his eyes. “Also, why do you have to start at the prefect conference room? Isn’t it a little ridiculous to walk _together_ from the common room to here to start.”

            “Ask Lils,” said James with smirk. “It’s her rule.”

            Sirius rolled his eyes. "Lily, Lily, Lily. When will you ever make sense?" He smirked. “Now, be good, children. Go catch some naughty, naughty rule-breakers.” An absolutely wicked gleam came to his eyes as he looked at James. “Or you know, you might --”

            “Stuff it, Padfoot!”

            Sirius’s loud laugh echoed through the corridors long after he was gone. Lily folded her arms and frowned at James.

            “ _Lils?_ ” she said.

            “Huh?”

            “ _Lils?_ Did you seriously just call me _Lils_?”

            “Sure,” said James. “It’s my new nickname for you. Like it?”

            “No,” said Lily.

            “Oh, c’mon. What’s wrong with Lils?”

            “What’s wrong with _my name_?” countered Lily. “It’s always Evans or Lils or Carrot-Top in third year --”

            “Yeah. Sorry about that.”

            “That one was particularly ridiculous.”

            “No kidding. I didn’t even get the vegetable right. Should have gone with tomato.”

            “Potter!”

            James just gave her that crooked grin. Why did that have to make him more attractive?

            Lily put her hands on her hips. “ _Anyway_ …”

            “The point is…” said James, imitating her exactly. They’d been spending way too much time together if he could guess exactly what she was going to say like that.

            “The point is,” repeated Lily grudgingly. “My name is _Lily_ , in case you forgot. I don’t see why you can’t call me that.”

            “Everyone calls you Lily,” said James waving a hand. “Can’t I be original?”

            “It would be original for _you_ not to be obnoxious.”

            “Oh, ouch, Lils.” At Lily’s rolled eyes, James grinned. “Shall we get started then?”

            “Fine.”

            And just about then, they both seemed to forget how to carry a conversation. Why did this keep happening lately? They’d be having a nice, heated banter, and then -- awkward. It only seemed to happen when they were alone together; they could be perfectly fine friends when they were with everyone else. That’s why she’d let Sirius come along today. Well, that and she and Sirius had somehow become friends and she didn’t really mind him coming along anymore.

            Lily just couldn’t wrap her head around what was going on. Head duties used to be fun! They still were, sometimes, but other times they were uncomfortable and awkward and no matter what either of them said, Lily found herself coming back to the same questions. Did he still like her? Would he ever like her again? If he did like her, why wouldn’t he ask her out? He was James Potter, for heaven’s sake! Risk taking was one of his defining characteristics!

            And what if he didn’t like her? What if he just wanted to be friends? What if the only reason they had been able to get along in the first place was because he _didn’t_ want to be anything more?

            That wouldn’t do. If she spent the whole time thinking about what James did or didn’t feel, she was going to be miserable.

            “So…” she said trying to sound upbeat but hitting something closer to just stubborn.

            “Do you have any plans for Hogsmead?” James blurted out.

            Lily immediately thought of her responsibilities as Head Girl and tried to remember how they related to Hogsmead. “What?”

            “Well, there’s a trip.” As if to keep them from jumping to his hair, James shoved his hands into his pockets. “In two weeks.”

            “Oh, yeah,” said Lily. “I’ll be going if that’s what you mean.”

            “Are you going _with_ anyone?”

            “Probably just with some friends.” Something clicked, and Lily’s heart skipped a beat. “I mean, I don’t have any plans. Yet. With people. Persons. Specifically.”

            “Mm.” For a second, it looked like James was going ask something. Lily’s heart was pounding excitedly, and her cheeks were probably already blushing. But then he just sort of shrugged his shoulders. “That’s…good, then.”

             Breathing was suddenly painful. “What about you?” she said, giving him the biggest smile she could manage at the moment. “Any plans for you?”

            “I -- ah -- no. I don’t know yet.”

            “O-okay. I suppose Hogsmead isn’t so exciting for you anymore. With you being a Marauder and all.” Lily’s heart had stuttered back to a normal, difficult beat. Her cheeks were burning. Why had she gone and gotten her hopes up again? _Idiot!_

“What have I done this time?” said James, alarmed.

            “I said that out loud?”

            James rolled his eyes. “You know, Lils, you might not like my nicknames for you, but you could do with a fair amount of improvement yourself.”

            “Oh, what’s that supposed to mean!”

            “‘Idiot’ is normally not a term of endearment, Evans.”

            “Shut up, Potter.”

            “And see! There’s another one!”

            Lily was starting to grin. “Which one? Shut up or Potter? Because --” She caught James’s gigantic eye roll and broke out smiling. “Would you rather I use Jamie?”

            “No! _Merlin_ , no! Jamie? That brings back memories of -- No.” James shuddered.

            Lily started laughing. Pretty soon, James joined in.

            James messed up the back of his hair while he shook his head. “Jamie?” he groaned.

            “Don’t sound so upset,” smirked Lily. She slid right up to him and bumped his shoulder with a huge grin. “I think it sounds _darling_.”

            James’s shoulders shook with laughter. He started to roll his eyes, but they got stuck on hers. Lily knew she couldn’t be smiling any bigger. Her arm was still right up against his side. His eyes didn’t leave her face as he gave his head a little shake.

            “Lils, what would you do if I kissed you right now?”

            What? Oh. _Oh._

            And then --

            “What sort of cop-out is that? If you want to know, you’re going to have to muster the guts and _see_!”

            The words were barely out of her mouth before she realized what she had just said. She couldn’t retract her statement though, because James had her lips otherwise engaged.

            Really, she wasn’t complaining.

            “ _Lily_ ,” James breathed when they broke apart. He had her face in his hands. She grinned.

            “ _Finally_.”

            “What? Finally?”

            Lily squeezed the front of his robes. “I’ve been wanting you to ask me out for _months_.”

            James seemed to be doing the math his head. His eyebrows came together. “ _What?_ ”

            She couldn’t help but laugh. “I would have said no,” she said, matter of fact. “But I wanted to you ask.”

            “That makes absolutely no sense! You are --” James changed track midsentence and kissed her again. It was wonderful. Lily slipped her arms around his neck, kissing him back. It lasted longer this time, and when they broke apart, James rested his forehead on Lily’s. Lily played with the hair on the back of his neck.

            “Lily?”

            “Mmhm?”

            “Go out with me?”

            His eyes were really pretty this close, even when it was dark enough that she was probably making half the details up.

            “Mm. Guess I’ll have to if I want to keep kissing you.”

            James chucked, and suddenly, his arms dropped to her waist, her feet were off the ground, and James was swinging her in a circle. Lily’s shriek turned into laughter. She buried her face in his neck. “ _James!_ ”

            Lily’s toes finally brushed the floor again. James was shaking with laughter that vibrated through all of her. They were both grinning at each like idiots. And then…

            “Were those footsteps?”

            “Oh _no_ ,” groaned Lily. “It’s going to be some teachers, and they going to think we were snogging on patrol!”

            “We _were_ snogging on patrol,” said James. He looked enormously pleased with the fact.

            Lily put her burning face into his shoulder again. “But that’s just… We’re supposed to be…”

            “Hey, I’ve got a great idea,” said James, tilting her chin so she looked up at him. “Let’s move patrol night to tomorrow.”

            Lily pursed her lips and started to smile at the same time. “Are you saying you won’t want to kiss me tomorrow night?”

            “No!” James laughed. “Merlin no! I’ll just have managed to wear you down by that time.”

            “Oh, you think you can manage that, do you?”

            “Might I remind you that you just agreed to go out with me?”

             “And might I remind _you_ that that alone took years!”

            James just slowly shook his head. “You underestimate me, Lils.”

            “And you underestimate my ability to be stubborn.”

            James burst out laughing.

            “But,” said Lily agreeably. “We can move patrol over one night. If you actually think you have a chance.”

            “Oh, I do, Evans.”

            “We’ll see, Potter.” Lily would have happily stayed with James in the corridor the rest of the night, but the tap of footsteps again brought reality back to her. “So,” she said, pushing back against James’s chest. “What are we going to do now that we’re not on patrol?”

            “Um, snog --”

            “James!”

            He laughed. Then, a wicked glint came to his eyes. “Lils,” he said slowly. “How do you feel about breaking the rules?”

            “Regrettably complacent after spending so much time with you.”

            The full Potter smirk broke across James’s face. How had she ever thought it insufferably obnoxious? Now it made her heart skip. “Then I can think of a number of things we can do.”

            Lily stepped back from him and loosely folded her arms. “I reserve the right to say ‘no’ and tell you you’re an idiot.”

            James just kept smiling. He held out his hand. “It’ll be fun. I promise.” He eyes gleamed; he meant it. “Ready?”

            He took her hand, and Lily threated her fingers through his. She had a boyfriend who was a Marauder -- and Head Boy. A funny, teasing, kind, smart, crazy, Quidditch fanatic, wickedly attractive boyfriend. Lily grinned.

            “Bring it.”


	9. Epilogue

“I must say,” said Professor Dumbledore, eyes twinkling behind his half-moon glasses, “I am very pleased with your work as Head Boy and Girl this year.”

            “Thank you,” said Lily.

            “Can’t imagine why you sound the least bit surprised,” said James.

            Lily stomped on his toes. James didn’t even wince. Yesterday, he had told that his toes had built up calluses from all the times she did that.

            “I think _you_ might be more surprised than I am, Mr. Potter,” said Dumbledore mildly. “I have very much appreciated the efforts by the both of you not only to keep order but also to lift the spirits of Hogwarts.”

            Was he referring to the pranks James and the Marauders continued to pull right down to filling the Great Hall with sand and beach umbrellas after exams? Probably.

            Dumbledore continued his observations on their tenure as Head Boy and Girl. This was their last interview with the headmaster: next week, she and James would be boarding Hogwarts express for the last time. Lily tried not to think about that too hard.

             Somewhere between answering Dumbledore’s questions and making witty remarks, James took her hand. He twisted his fingers in between hers, and Lily blushed to think that Dumbledore was _right there_ and probably perfectly aware of what their hands were doing underneath his desk. It was unprofessional enough she and the Head Boy were dating. But she didn’t pull her hand away. Lily knew from experience in class far too many times that James wouldn’t let go without making a scene. And besides, she really liked holding her boyfriend’s hand.

            “If you would kindly turn in your letters to the future Head Boy and Girl before the end of term, I would be highly grateful,” said Dumbledore. He stood up to walk the out of his office. Lily and James stood, too, her hand still in his.

            “We’ll get those to you soon,” said Lily. “I promise.”

            “What are we supposed to write to the future Heads?” said James.

            “Ugh! Weren’t you paying any attention?” said Lily before Dumbledore could answer. “The letters are supposed to give them an idea of what to expect. You know, what to look forward to, some advise…”

            “So, like, where the best snogging spots are?”

            “ _James!_ ”

            “Just so they make sure to check those spots during patrol,” said James innocently.

            “I’ll read over Potter’s to make sure it’s appropriate for school children,” Lily told Dumbledore.

            “What exactly are you expecting that isn’t appropriate for school children, Lils?”

            Lily refused to answer him and instead become engrossed in bidding Dumbledore good night. Lips pressed in a hard line, she dragged her boyfriend down the spiral staircase.

            “Stop pretending to be angry with me,” said James lightly as they stepped past the gargoyle. “I know you’re not.”

            Lily let out a sigh. “Fine. I’m not. But I just _wish_ …” James gave a slight groan. She tried to tone down her guilt-tripping voice a little. “He’s the headmaster. A little decorum isn’t too much to ask.”

            James shrugged. “He knew who I was when he put in as Head Boy. I’d hate to disappoint him. And,” he added, flashing a smile. “If you think I’m rude now, you should have seen me when I was fifteen.”

            “Oh dear,” said Lily. James laughed.

            As they made their way to Gryffindor tower, Lily kept thinking about Dumbledore, the past year, and this crazy, amazing boy next to her whose hand was still firmly in hers. A little frown formed between her eyebrows. Interrupting it all wrong, James groaned.

            “Lily, come on. It’s not a big deal. A few jokes, and it’s _Dumbledore_ for Merlin’s sake!”

            “That’s not what I was thinking about,” said Lily quickly.

            James’s eyebrows shot up into his messy hair. “What were you thinking about then?”

            “I was just…wondering.”

            “About what?” James was clearly getting impatient. It was kind of funny, actually.

            “Oh, just you,” said Lily, bumping his shoulder with a teasing smile. “And how you could have possibly been Head Boy.”

            “You don’t think I did a good job?” James said with mock hurt.

            Lily laughed. “No, no. Just…” She looked right into James’s face. “Why _did_ Dumbledore make you Head Boy?”

            “Search me. I was just as shocked and horrified as you when I found out.” When Lily giggled but continued to look thoughtful, James smirked a little. “I suppose Dumbledore just figured we made a cute couple.”

            Lily snorted. “Oh sure…”

            “A much better pick than last year, I tell you. Correla Sharp and Grant Longbottom? They didn’t go together well at all.”

            “And I’m sure you think we look so much better.”

            “Well, it’s a little unfair. I look great with anybody.” Laughing at Lily’s expression, James wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “And you are just dead _gorgeous_ ,” he murmured in her ear.

            Lily giggled. She tried to hide the shiver that James caused so effortlessly. “So couples,” she said, brushing hair out of her face. “That’s why you think Dumbledore did it?”

            “Unless you have a better idea…” James cocked an eyebrow.

            Lily gave him a twisted smile. She’d love to keep this a good joke but kept thinking about how good James had been as Head Boy. His distaste for the Dark Arts and pureblood doctrine had spread through the school, and though not changing everyone, it definitely had an effect on the student body that nothing else had. And James’s success as Head Boy went beyond enforcing the few rules he cared about. There was a war going on, people were dying, but Hogwarts still felt safe, playful. And Lily was sure it had something to do with James. He had managed to bring a sense of life to the entire castle that felt like -- well, it felt exactly like what he brought into Lily’s life on an even larger scale.

            He was her best friend _and_ her boyfriend. She had never known anyone like him. Someone who could make her feel like screaming at him so often and yet fill her with so much _purpose_. Like life was going to challenging, but it was _worth_ living. She felt so strong next to him.

            Lily wanted to tell him this, or at least tell him that she knew exactly why Dumbledore had chosen him for Head Boy this year. But she couldn’t find the words to express it, and she was afraid that muddle it all up and James wouldn’t get it. Then, he’d either be offended or laugh at her. So instead, she just shrugged. “Maybe you’re right. Who do you think next year’s couple will be?”

            James snickered and immediately began throwing out the most ridiculous pairs he could think of. Lily quickly joined in. It was funny to think that, a year ago, they would have been at the top of the list.

            When they ran out of sixth years – and even a few fifth years – they had reached the portrait hole. Just after James gave the password, Lily wrapped her arm around his waist and held him back.

            “James?”

            “Hm?”

            “I’m really glad you were Head Boy.”

            “Yeah. I’m really glad you agreed to go out with me, too.”

            Lily’s eyebrows shot up her forehead.

            “Well, it’s the same thing, really,” smirked James.

            “Suppose, so,” mumbled Lily. “I wouldn’t be nearly as grateful if I weren’t currently --” Lily spotted mid-sentence, a realization blooming. Her eyes narrowed. “Patrols do not count as dates!”

            James burst out laughing. “Why not?”

            “Because that’s ridic --”

            “They felt an awful lot like dates. You ask a lot of questions to get to know each other. Awkward moments. A couple of unexpected deep conversations. Growing tension --”

            “A girl has to be able to say ‘No’ for it to count as a date!”

            “We snogged on patrol,” James reminded her.

            “I thought we agreed that that time we _weren’t_ on patrol?”

            “Yeah, but it _started_ as a patrol…”

            And bickering animatedly, they made their way through the portrait hole into Gryffindor common room. Yes, James was her best friend, her boyfriend, and a complete and utter dork. But Lily didn’t mind anymore. She loved him.

            And someday, she would tell him as much.

**Author's Note:**

> No, I am not JK Rowling, and anything you recognize (Hogwarts, characters, etc) is from her. But you knew that already. I've had this idea tumbling around in my head for a while, and I finally got it down on paper (screen?) this summer. Anyways, I always thought it would take something big -- and persistent -- to make Lily see James for who he truly was. This is just my take on how it happened. Comments are welcome, and thanks for reading!


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